12-24-08 Random Christmas pictures

and I want a puppy, a gnome-sized laptop, bottle of Gnomistani spiced rum.

Didn't I meet some of your smaller cousins last year?

Pop quiz: one of these three things is not like the other

Ok, Santa. Either you get me my puppy or I'm not moving. Just try me.

12-24-08 No, I would NOT like to buy insurance

I saw the Aflac spokesduck on TV for the first time the other day. I thought it was a very funny and creative commercial. I would even consider buying supplemental insurance from them if I wasn't already covered by the Gnomistani universal health care plan. I was under the impression that you had to call them to buy one of their policies. Imagine my surprise when I was admiring Mr. S's family Christmas tree when I was ambushed by none other than the spokesduck! Talk about high pressure sales tactics! He wouldn't let me leave until he finished his FOUR HOUR sales pitch! On Christmas eve! I politely told him no, for the eighty-third time, and he finally got the message. I shook his wing and off he went.

12-24-08 So this is where cows come from!

Cows are amazing animals. They're cute, gentle, tasty creatures. I have admired these graceful beasts ever since I was a young gnome roaming the countryside looking for adventure. I wandered a long time as there was very little excitement in the area. About the best we could hope for was watching the occasional prairie dog gang fight.

I have always wondered where cows came from. I have never seen a pregnant cow, or at least I don't think I have. Are cows born like other animals? Do they grow out of the ground like corn? Are they delivered from the sky like the mammoth ground slug of the badlands? No, my good readers. The answer is much simpler and thanks to Mr. S's mother I now have the answer. Cows are hatched from eggs. I bet you're glad you know this now.

12-14-08 I make this look gooooood

Once the mailman came down from the tree, and after I apologized profusely, I received the package sent by Mr. S's mother. Christmas had come early! I was incredibly excited as I ripped open the package and tore off the wrapping paper. I was taken aback! I had never seen anything so beautiful! I immediately tried it on and haven't taken it off since. The three bulbs on the collar twinkle just like my eyes do!

12-13-08 I just cannot condone this behavior

Wow...just, wow. I hereby denounce all the gnomes that participated in this shameless stunt.

http://weirdnews.about.com/od/weirdphotos/ig/Nazi-Garden-Gnomes/

12-12-08 Neither rain, nor snow, nor hidden gnome

I hereby apologize to all our brave mail carriers who face all manner of danger while religiously delivering our credit card offers and Harbor Freight catalogs. Let me explain. Mr. S's mother told me to “watch the mail.” It seems this doesn't mean the same thing as it does in Gnomistan. Back in my homeland, when someone tells you to “watch the mail,” it is a signal that someone plans to play a practical joke on you. Gnomes are natural practical jokers but we often limit ourselves to fooling with our target's mailbox. I decided to hide out in our mailbox to surprise the would be practical joker. When the mailman opened the mailbox, I jumped out, pinched his nose, and screamed “got you!”. Terrified, the mail carrier jumped back screaming and ran as fast as he could down the street. They found him six hours later, 15 feet up a tree whimpering to himself “I see little blue men.”

12-9-08 Just a little update

Here is a quick update to all my loyal readers...all three of you. All of the ceiling insulation is complete. About 95% of the wall insulation is complete. 90% of the wiring and plumbing are complete. Most of the laundry room is framed in including the pocket door. Now that I have seen and installed the pocket door, I understand more about them. When Mr. S first told me I would be installing a pocket door, I had no idea what he was talking about. He tried and tried to explain it me but I just couldn't grasp what he meant. I kept visualizing a door that was the size of pocket. Even if the pocket was large, say from an XXL Penn State sweatshirt, I just couldn't see how this would be useful to anyone but a gnome child. Now that I see that it's a full-size door, it all makes sense.

12-6-08 Safety second...achoo...I mean first.

Always be safe while working. Wear safety glasses, a dust mask, and always be aware of your surroundings. And most importantly, if you are working up high, wear a safety harness. I'm thankful I remembered mine today. I was installing the pocket door track when I started sneezing. My sneezes tend to be rather forceful and I fell off the door header. If it hadn't been for my safety line, I would have cracked my head open! I got to contemplate how lucky I was all night as Mr. and Mrs. S had already gone to bed and didn't find me until morning.

12-3-08 This is my nail gun. There are many like it but this one is mine.

To help in framing in the new laundry room, Mr. S bought a framing nail gun. I had never used a nail gun like this and was eager to give it a try. This should really speed up my work greatly. Framing has always been a tough profession for gnomes. If you haven't noticed, we have very short arms. It's hard to drive a nail when you can hardly swing a hammer. Back in Gnomistan, it is uncommon for houses to be held together with nails. Typically we use a glue made from a mixture of flour and water with strips of newspaper as reinforcement. It works surprisingly well, unless it rains.

My first attempt using the nail gun was not promising. I got the gun lined up, pulled the trigger...and then I blacked out. I came to a few seconds later all the way across the room lying on a pile of insulation. Mr. S was laughing hysterically. He said that when I pulled the trigger, the recoil sent me flying across the room! Thankfully the only thing that was hurt was my pride. I tried again, this time putting all my weight behind it. It still threw me but only half way across the room. At least this time the nail went in and the stud held in place. No matter how disturbing it is to be thrown across the room...it still beats hammering.

11-28-08 When the foreman is away, the Gnomes shall play

While Mr. and Mrs. S were up in New Jersey (random thought, where is Old Jersey and why did we need a new one?), I was left at home to continue work on the kitchen. I had grand plans of finishing all of the insulation, electrical, and framing. Unfortunately, my plans never got very far. I had planned on getting a good night sleep and then working all day but that was not to be. I decided to watch a little TV during breakfast and discovered the most fascinating show. I believe it is called Law and Order.
I was only going to watch one episode and then get started working but then another episode came on. And then another...and another...and another. Before I knew what had happened, it was Friday afternoon. To my horror, Mr. and Mrs. S came home early. They found me in the living room with the remote in one hand and an empty bag of Oreos in the other--and a glazed look in my eyes. I have learned that not only is Law and Order an addictive show to watch but it seems to be on TV ALL THE TIME!

11-27-08 Happy Thanksgiving!

I would like to wish all of my readers a happy Thanksgiving.

11-23-08 Back to work

It took me longer to recover than expected after the Penn State victory yesterday. I decided to have a few drinks in honor of the poor fans who braved the roughly 20 degree weather to be in the stadium for the victory. Mr. S suggested I try a Long Island ice tea as this is one of his favorite drinks. Now I have never been to this Long Island but judging by their national drink (Long Island is a country, correct?) I do not want to mess with these people! If this is what they drink every day they are much stronger than I am. This morning, after clearing the cobwebs I remembered a quote I once heard, “Long Island Iced Tea…it’s a bad decision in every glass.” Now I understand.

I felt that I needed to accomplish something today, so I decided to finish up the attic insulation. After my unfortunate experience with the blown-in insulation, I wasn't looking forward to this project. Thankfully Mr. S bought fiberglass batts that were much easier to install. I was able to not only get the garage ceiling finished but I got a good start on the kitchen as well! Not a moment too soon I might add. It was 45 degrees all weekend in the kitchen. It's not easy finding a sweatshirt that fits me. I wish the stores in this area would carry a better selection of Gnome big and tall sizes.

11-22-08 I smell roses!

3...2...1...Victory! I never knew American football could be this exciting! Mr. and Mrs. S could hardly contain their excitement. Oh the cheering, the celebrating, some would say caterwauling! What could bring about this moment of true joy? My adopted team, THE Penn State Nittany Lions will be playing in the Rose Bowl! I honestly don't know what this is but Mr. and Mrs. S say it is a very good thing. I am envisioning that come New Year's Day both teams will huddle on the playing field and over the course of the next 60 minutes battle it out to see who can make the most beautiful floral arrangement consisting exclusively of roses. While I think this will be beautiful, I just can't see how playing American football for three months can prepare you for this. Oh well, I guess I'll understand in about 6 weeks.

11-17-08 Random progress pictures

While I'm not in all of these pictures, Mr. S wanted me to post some shots of our handy work. Enjoy.


The new radiant barrier

No more header leading into the kitchen.

All the new can lights

Grand view of the destruction..I mean Kitchen

I'm so taaaaalllllllllll

The view from the attic is GREAT with out the ceiling

No more door header.

11-16-08 Insulation, you are thy enemy

I hate blown-in insulation. I mean, I really, really hate it. I would like to meet the person who invented it, stuff his clothing full of it, and force him to run a marathon...on a hot day...in really humid weather. It is the most vile substance to work around since the Gnomistani building inspectors made us switch from using construction adhesive to using previously chewed bubble gum (PCBG) scrapped off the underside of school children's desk as a bonding agent. What a truly horrible time that was! Mr. S needed some help in the attic installing some lights and he asked me to help. Now in his defense he did warn me to wear long sleeves and pants but I didn't listen. No, my Gnomish pride got the better of me. After working for only an hour I began to itch all over. No matter what I did, I could not make the itching stop! Finally, after taking three showers I stopped itching...two days later. In a fit of rage (oh yes, Gnomes are well-known for their fits of rage) I tore down all of the ceiling drywall and insulation. Mr. S was horrified at the mess I made but just as soon as the dust had settled, I cleaned up all the rubble and stored it in the garage. I even promised to personally repair all the drywall myself. Now, time to get back to work.

11-15-08 I have been a bad gnome

I humbly apologize for failing to post to the blog for several weeks. After I returned from Alaska at the beginning of October, I threw myself back into the kitchen project. For weeks my days have consisted of breakfast, remodeling, brunch, remodeling, lunch, remodeling, snack break, remodeling, high tea, remodeling, dinner, story time, sleep. By the end of the night I can hardly keep my tiny eyes open! Even on the weekends I am working all day...sometimes I even skip high tea! For a gnome to miss high tea is unheard of. The tradition dates back to the Gnomistani tea party of 1773. It happened roughly a month after your Boston tea party but due to the poor communications of the day, we misunderstood the nature of the event. Instead of throwing tea into Boston harbor as a tax protest, we threw all our tea into a giant cloth bag and dipped it into a huge, tall cauldron of boiling water. From that day forth, every day we remember that event by making a cup of tea and toasting our forefathers. And so began the tradition of high tea. I'm sorry, I've drifted off topic. Anyway, I hereby promise to post more often.

San Francisco - Day 12

Our last port, how sad. But what an amazing town! Mr. and Mrs. S may have left their hearts in San Francisco, but I left my wallet...Gnomes LOVE Ghirardelli!

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

Seattle - Day 10

McDreamy in Seattle...seriously!

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

Inside Passage - Day 9

Blue skies, golden sunsets, and black and white torpedoes of death...what more could a Gnome ask for? And all of this on Mr. and Mrs. S's "anniversary".

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

Ketchikan - Day 8

Although we did not find the "bridge to nowhere," we did see leaping salmon, frolicking birds, and Creek Street, the town's red light district.

Please click on the image to see more pictures.










Ever have a day like this when it feels like you're swimming up stream?

Icy Strait Point - Day 7

At Icy Strait Point, Mr. and Mrs. S attended an Alaskan fishing class while I checked out the local wildlife.

Please click on the image to see more pictures.







Here is some video of the sea creatures that I befriended.

Juneau - Day 6

Our helicopter flight out to Mendenhall glacier. Hope you enjoy!

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

Skagway - Day 5

All Aboard! Join me on my adventure to Skagway, Alaska aboard the White Pass Railway.

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

Hubbard Glacier - Day 4

Ice, ice everywhere!

Please click on the image to see more pictures.








Thought you might also like to see some video of the glacier calving.

Sitka - Day 3

Finally our first port of call! I needed to get off the ship and stretch my legs. I just had to be careful to watch for those eagles!

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

At Sea - Day 2

Here are the photos from our first full day at sea. Mr. S really seems to like taking pictures of the sky!

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

Vancouver - Day 1

Mr. and Mrs. S have FINALLY organized some of the 3000 pictures they took. Here are the photos of Vancouver on day 1.

Please click on the image to see more pictures.

10-03-2008 De plane! De plane!

Sadly it is now time to leave the ship which has been our home for the past 13 days. I have truly grown to like the ship and everyone I met aboard. But now, it is time to bid farewell. As is the traditional Gnomistani custom, I performed a farewell dance which consists of nine hours of ritual chanting and dancing naked around a tower of empty liquor bottles and bar receipts. It dates back to the early 1700s when a group of the original Gnomistani colonists celebrated their arrival in the new world by getting very intoxicated and running out on their large bar tab. I do love traditions. Mr. and Mrs. S were NOT happy about the chanting as we all had to get up early to leave the ship and get to the airport. They were particularly disturbed by the naked portion of the ritual. For some unknown reason Mr. S kept screaming “My eyes! My eyes!” Some times I don't understand Americans.

At the airport, we had a four hour wait before our flight departed so I decided to explore LAX. This is a very busy place! I have seen people from all corners of the globe, including my native Gnomistan. We chatted for hours about the homeland, local Gnomistani politics, and of course, the national pastime, poodle bowling. Finally it was time to board our flight. I was not nearly as frightened as I was two weeks ago. Mr. and Mrs. S were asleep shortly after we took off but I stayed awake the entire time. I started chatting with one of the stewardesses and we sort of hit it off. She seemed to have a thing for ruggedly handsome, foot tall world travelers. Coincidentally, she was working the charter flight three months ago that transported the Gnomistani poodle bowling team to the semifinals. She said the team's rowdiness is still talked about within flight attendant circles. They are even still trying to get the poodle fur out of the bathroom sinks. Once we landed, I said my farewells to the flight attendant and headed off for home, ending an amazing odyssey.

Well, that is all for now. Thank you all for following my adventures. I am going to take a day or two off to help Mr. and Mrs. S with their laundry but I will get many more pictures posted soon. Until then, Cheery O!

10-01-2008 And who is this handsome devil?

Imagine my surprise while walking the streets of San Francisco when people started pointing and staring at me. I even had some paparazzi following me through the city. Now I know I am a well-known gnome in Gnomistan but I was hoping to remain anonymous in the States. Finally, I got so fed up with this behavior that I asked one of the gawkers point-blank why they were following me. She directed me to a bus parked near by. Thinking I was going to see one of my press photos from my role in the movie “Pirates of Gnomistan: Where Are We?”, I was shocked to find another gnomes' face on the side of the bus. Now I ask my readers, does this gnome look ANYTHING like me?

10-01-2008 I feel like Sean Connery

We arrived at our final port of call today, San Francisco. Neither Mr. and Mrs. S nor I had ever been to the city so we were all very excited. After disembarking the ship, we went off on a tour of Alcatraz. We wandered the prison grounds and followed a fantastic tour put on by the National Parks Department. Apparently during the entire tour, I had a little smirk on my face. Finally Mr. S asked me what was on my mind. Well, my readers, I have a secret: this was not the first time I was in an inescapable prison...and the last time, I wasn't there as a tourist.
Brace yourself, my readers, you're in for a wild ride. In my life I have had many jobs: travel companion, plumber, trained assassin, among others. One of my most interesting jobs was acting as a “secret inmate” to help test prison security. I was asked to spend a week in a new state-of-the-art prison located in Gnomistan's prison district to help find any security weaknesses. Unfortunately, due to a snafu in the computer system of the the Department of Prison Testing and Animal Husbandry, my status as a “secret inmate” was lost. My only chance was to escape on my own. For months, I monitored the guards' patrol routine, tested for blind spots in the security cameras' visibility, and collected the tools for my escape (spoons from the mess hall, dental floss and a five-horse power Briggs and Stratton engine). Finally, the day came. While all of the guards were playing their morning game of dodge-ball, I executed my plan. First, I slipped through the bars of my cell (security flaw 1: the bars were spaced so far apart that the prisoners were basically on the honor system). I then crawled through an air duct to the prison library (security flaw 2: Never post the prison blueprints on the cell walls to save on wallpaper costs). Finally, using a lock pick set I ordered by mail (security flaw 3: This one is obvious), I unlocked the front door, sprinted to my rental car, which I owed a LOT of money on, and drove to freedom. The story was hushed up in the press because the warden was a drinking chum of the Prime Minister and he didn't want it to get out that the security was so lax. At least I got an amazing story out of my adventure. Here are a few pictures of my trip to “The Rock.”

9-30-2008 So this is how Michael Phelps feels

Tonight Mr. and Mrs. S and their table mates participated in a ship-wide battle of wits called simply enough “The Quest.” I was asked to join in as gnomes are well- known not only for their razor-sharp mind but also for our phenomenal upper body strength. In fact, if it wasn't for the 1932 pixie stick doping scandal, which resulted in a lifetime ban, gnomes would still be the world champions at the clean and jerk. The events were grueling—-synchronized skipping, interpretive teapot dancing, high-speed trouser exchange--and many teams did not survive to the end. When the smoke cleared, our scrappy band of caterwaulers stood victorious. I have never known such a sense of accomplishment! Here I am, accepting my gold medal from the cruise director.

9-28-08 Lazy day at sea

Today we were cruising the Inside Passage so we had a relaxing day at sea. After my little indiscretion yesterday, I could use a little down time. I spent most of the day sitting out on the balcony reading a book on the history of the kaleidescope and its use in the Spanish Inquisition. The scenery was beautiful and the sun was shining all day. I even got to try out my new sunglasses! I hope you enjoy some pictures of the scenery.

9-27-08 My little indiscretion

I am very embarrassed. I have done something that I swore I would never do as a travel companion. I was feeling a little lonely the other day in Ketchikan and I found myself in the old red light district. I'm not proud of what I'm about to say but I must come clean...I paid to get some. That's right, I had a moment of weakness and I paid to have pictures of myself taken. I have never felt so low. I couldn't even stand to look at myself.



I stumbled into the closest bar (that also had on ESPN so I could watch college football) and had myself a beer. By the time I got back to the ship, I was more inebriated than I was during the 1982 National Pot Roast Bake-off.


Mr. and Mrs. S found me passed out on their bed with my face planted in their plate of complimentary sweets. It will take me a long time to live this one down.

9-27-08 And the number one threat to America: Bears

My dear readers, I have a question. Why do Americans fear bears? Before coming to Alaska, I did some research into the local wildlife. Many of the stories I read cautioned about the bears and not to approach them. I found this shocking! In Gnomistan, bears are very friendly and helpful creatures. Many of my fellow countrymen even had bears as pets! The bears were very loyal companions and even helped protect their homesteads. You would be surprised how many gnomes have been saved from marauding gangs of hoodlum trolls looking to start a fight. They still can't get over the Gnomistani victory over Trollbekistan in the 1967 World Cup of Juggling. Anyhow, to prove that bears are not to be feared, here are a few pictures I've taken over the past week with my furry friends.

9-25-08 I have friends everywhere

After our glacier adventure, we all needed a rest. So we went to the world famous Red Dog Saloon. Now this is my kind of bar...sawdust for a floor, great beer, a rowdy crowd. Oh yes, back in Gnomistan, I was known to be a party gnome. Many a night I would stumble home after a long night of “caterwauling” with my chums. After having a relaxing time, our waiter noticed Mr. and Mrs. S were Penn Staters. He, too, had attended that prestigious university and was currently on sabbatical in Alaska. What a small world!