3-28-2010 I thought this was outlawed

Today I witnessed something that I had thought had been abolished decades ago. I am normally a very stoic gnome but this caused me break into a rage unseen since....since....I don't know when.

Let me provide you with some background. Many centuries ago, the gnomes in my homeland were enslaved by a ruthless warlord named Vlad the Sneaky. Vlad took control of Gnomistan not through an invasion but more through trickery. One day, Vlad arrived at the capital and told the capital security that there was a cat stuck in a tree. Knowing that all Gnomes had a weakness for felines in distress, all of the building security rushed to the cats aid. While distracted, Vlad sneaked into the capital, found the original Gnomistani constitution, and wrote “Vlad is the boss”. When the guards came back into the building, Vlad pointed to the constitution and declared himself the ruler. Without knowing enough about constitutional law to disprove it, the guards had to go along.

One of Vlad's passions was his love of bowling. Before his ascension to the throne, Vlad was a finalist on the hit TV show “Bowling with the Stars” and nearly went pro. Once in power he soon became bored with traditional Gnomistani bowling. To spice things up, he began forcing his gardeners to stand in for the pins and instead of using a normal bowling ball he now used a surplus wrecking ball. Because the ball was so heavy, Vlad changed the game again so that instead of a flat lane with gutters on each side it was now a sloped hillside with motes filled with piranha. The gardeners had no where to go. In front of them was a speeding wrecking ball and to each side was a mote filled with piranhas. The goal of the game became to crushing as many Gnomes as possible. Many, many Gnomes were killed to entertain the king. This barbaric sport continued for another 45 years until the then current king, Igor the Stubby (Vlad's son) was ousted in a coup set in motion by his order to suspend Saturday mail delivery.

I had always thought this horrible chapter of our history was behind us, but, alas, I was wrong. This past weekend Mr. and Mrs. S brought out a new “game” that had been given to them over the holidays. Always ready to show off my keen mind and catlike reflexes, I happily agreed to play. To my horror I witnessed Mr. S arrange six of my fellow countrymen in a triangle and Mrs. S hurl a large ball at them, knocking five of them about the room. I cried out for them to stop but it was too late. Mrs. S, with her second throw, toppled the last brave Gnome. I have never felt so saddened and enraged. Even my normally stoic friend Steely-Eyed had a tear in his eye. He said it was just a brain leak, but I know better. As soon as the balls stopped rolling, I sprinted to my fallen brothers to see if I could be of some assistance. To my surprise they were made of plastic! Imagine that, life sized Gnomes made out of plastic. I called Mr. and Mrs. S over and explained the historical significance of this game and why they must stop playing immediately. They agreed right away.

Mrs. S about to bring the pain

My brother Gnomes stand their ground


I survey the carnage. It wasn't pretty


Gnomes of the world unite!

3-25-2010 Mea culpa

My good readers, I am here with my head held low in shame. It seems that in the excitement of the moment I may have divulged more information than I should have. Several days ago I told a “story” about a “fictional” car ride across the Peak to Peak highway in Colorado. Several readers were concerned that Mr. S's sister Kim may have been speeding and gotten pulled over by the local law enforcement. Well readers, I forgot to include a very important disclaimer at the beginning of the story. Thanks to my many years of watching Law and Order, and one brief cameo in 1996, I should have known to include the following:


"Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event."

To sum up, I did not mean to imply that Kim was pulled over for speeding. The story was fictional....yeah, that's it....fictional.