9-25-08 I have friends everywhere

After our glacier adventure, we all needed a rest. So we went to the world famous Red Dog Saloon. Now this is my kind of bar...sawdust for a floor, great beer, a rowdy crowd. Oh yes, back in Gnomistan, I was known to be a party gnome. Many a night I would stumble home after a long night of “caterwauling” with my chums. After having a relaxing time, our waiter noticed Mr. and Mrs. S were Penn Staters. He, too, had attended that prestigious university and was currently on sabbatical in Alaska. What a small world!

9-25-2008 Seriously, you want me to fly in what!

As a special surprise for me, Mr. and Mrs. S treated me to a trip to the Mendenhall Glacier. I was thrilled! After seeing Hubbard Glacier from a distance, I couldn't wait to stroll across the icy surface. At 1 pm we boarded a bus to leave on our adventure. Now in my mind I believed we were DRIVING to the glacier. Oh no, they had booked me on a HELICOPTER ride to the glacier. I didn't want any part of this! Gnomes and helicopters do not mix. I do not want to get into all the gory details as to why gnomes fear helicopters but let's just say it all stems from the time the world's largest gnome tried to fly in the world's smallest helicopter. A very sad day indeed. Mrs. S said she would hold my hand during the flight as this was her first time in a helicopter as well. How could I chicken out when she was being so brave!



All I can say is that it was so very worth it! The view from the helicopter, once Mrs. S convinced me to open my eyes, was breathtaking. Once we landed, we were taken around the glacier by two very knowledgeable guides. Here's a picture of me with the very helpful chap named Marmot. I hope I made a good impression on him and his fellow guidesman. On their advice, I tried a sip of the glacial water. It tasted just like the water from the Giant Ice Cube Glacier in Gnomistan. The gnome who first discovered it was not the most creative gnome who ever lived.



Overall, I had a wonderful time but boy, was I glad to be back on solid ground—and I sealed my return with a kiss.



As I have said, words cannot describe the full beauty of this area. Thankfully, Mr. S took lots of pictures. I hope you enjoy them. (P.S. I've secretly added in a picture of the happy couple. Don't tell them.)

9-24-2008 They have officially thought of everything!

I must give a tip of my hat to the ingenuity of the Alaskan people. After millions of years of evolution, these hearty people have come up with the ultimate invention: the outdoor gazebo toilet. It combines two of my favorite things, beautiful scenic views and indoor plumbing. Now, where is that toilet paper?

9-24-2008 Northern Exposure

When I opened my eyes this morning, and shook off the cobwebs of the previous night, (note to readers, if someone asks you to do an “Irish Car-bomb” with them, pass) I was in awe of the view from my cabin window. What a change from the Hubbard Glacier! We docked in Skagway, Alaska, early in the morning while the S's and I were still sleeping. The views are spectacular! We are surrounded by magnificent white-capped mountains on all sides and the brilliant blue sky reminded me of my homeland. Ours was the only cruise ship in the harbor so the crowds were minimal. I was thrilled when I found out that Mrs. S had booked us passage on the White Pass Railroad to sightsee up the slope of one of the mountains. I have never seen a more picturesque sight. It was even more beautiful than the golden fire caves of my homeland. I never thought that was possible. I had fun introducing myself to the local wildlife including a quite stoic black bear. And, I was very surprised to see this sign pointing to my homeland...even though they did spell it incorrectly.

9-23-2008 Baby, it's cold outside

This morning we awoke early as we approached our next stop, Hubbard Glacier. I have never seen a glacier in person, so this was going to be a very exciting day. I would like to teach you a few things I have learned about glaciers today.

1. Glaciers are massive sheets of ice that have slowly shaped the landscape of Alaska for tens of thousands of years.

2. Glaciers are cold. I mean really, really cold. A gnome could freeze stiff in seconds cold.

Armed with that knowledge, I donned the beautiful hat and scarf Mr. S's mother bought for me. I cannot tell her enough how much that gift helped me this morning. The glacier was absolutely magnificent! The ship was able to approach to within several hundred meters of the face, close enough to watch large sections of the surface break off and crash into the water. It took my breath away...as did the cold. Have I mentioned the cold? Mr. S told me it wasn't that cold outside but I think he was just trying to look macho in front of his wife. We spent several hours in close proximity to the glacier and the captain even spun the ship 360 degrees so that everyone had a great view. As we sailed away Mr. and Mrs. S treated themselves, and me, to what they called “adult hot chocolate.” I'm not sure what was in it, but it sure did warm my belly.

9-22-2008 Flying gnome snatchers

Today was our first port of call on our adventure, the beautiful town of Sitka, Alaska. This quaint little fishing village reminded me of the my youth working as a net repair gnome in a small sea monkey fishing town. Although the weather was a bit overcast, it did not hinder the beauty of the Sitka National Forest. Mr. and Mrs. S and I walked for hours along the shore of the bay watching the seagulls and salmon in their natural habitat. I thought I was in heaven.

Following our nature walk, we proceeded to a raptor rehabilitation center. My kind readers, the word “raptor” means something different in my Gnomistani dialect. To us, raptor refers to “a small harmless bird with fluffy feathers that loves to be held and can play checkers at the grandmaster level.” When I walked into the building this is what I was greeted with:

I have never been more scared in my life! In fact, I was frozen like stone in the doorway. These birds are responsible for more gnome disappearances in my country than the Gnomistani mafia. Amazingly, Mr. and Mrs. S were not frightened by these flying gnome snatchers of death, in fact they enjoyed seeing them up close. We spent about an hour wandering the facility, watching the birds and listening to presentations of the work they do at the facility. I will admit, I do admire the work they do there in rehabilitating injured birds and releasing them into the wild. They even bring them to schools all over the country to teach children about the animals. While I don't see the administrators of Gnomistani Department of Education allowing them to come to our country, I will present it to them when I get back. I can honestly say that I am now a smidgen less frightened of the birds.

Here are a few of the sights we saw on our journey.

9-20-08 What is caterwauling?

I have been accused of many things during my lifetime: breathing too loudly in public, not washing behind my ears, being a paid mercenary for the department of redundancy department but tonight at dinner I was accused of the unthinkable...caterwauling. The problem is, I don't know what that means!
Mr. and Mrs. S were seated with two other lovely young couples. Apparently our youth exuberance was too much for the fuddy-duddies (yes, I just used that word) seated at the table next to ours. They gave us dirty looks all night and at the end of dinner pointed and, rather loudly, complained to the waiter about our excessive caterwauling. They even demanded to be moved! Now none of us at the table had any idea what caterwauling meant. The best we could come up with was that caterwauling was the sound produced by cats as you built walls around them. I can assure my fellow readers that we did NOT do that this night. In fact, no walls were built around any felines in the entire dining room. Perhaps my enlightened readers can leave a comment as to the “proper” meaning of the word.

9-21-2008 Et tu Steely-eye?

I have been hiding something from Mr. and Mrs. S for a while now and I needed to get it off my chest. Several weeks ago, I discovered something about my fellow countrymen Steely-eye and I hid it from Mr. and Mrs. S to keep them from getting upset and causing an incident. Steely-eye, who normally is a very upstanding Gnomistani citizen, hatched an idea to secretly trade places with me on my Alaskan odyssey. I don't want to reveal the source of my information as it could put them in grave danger. He planned to sneak up to me one night, drug me, steal my clothes, and bound and hide me in the basement until the trip was over. Thankfully, the plot never materialized beyond the planning stages. Even if he had been successful in switching places with me, I doubt that Mr. and Mrs. S would have been fooled...our accents are totally different!

9-20-2008 Serenade of the Seas

It has been several months in coming but today, we stepped aboard the Serenade of the Seas to begin our Alaska adventure. To my surprise the cabin was adorned in the most beautiful white and blue decorations! There was even a beautifully wrapped gift on the bed. I was overwhelmed that Mr. and Mrs. S would not only know about but recognize Gnomistani Arbor Day! They even had the decorations colored to reflect the two national trees of Gnomistan: the white oak and the screaming blue turnip tree. If you are not familiar with Gnomistani history (a safe bet with the current state of your public education system), the white oak tree symbolizes the purity and the strength of Gnomistani people while the screaming blue turnip tree represents our love of loud blue turnips. Sadly, my initial joyousness was crushed when I read that the decorations were from Mrs. S's parents and the wine truffles were from Mr. S's parents all in recognition of Mr. and Mrs. S's five year anniversary of marriage. I couldn't be upset for too long as the celebration of love between two people is admired most of all among my people. But still...I would have liked a gift. Maybe the ship will serve screaming blue turnips with dinner.