6-16-09 You've come a long way, baby

It is hard to believe that three days ago at this time I was coaching Mrs S. through her delivery. Just thinking back to that moment brings a quiver of joy to my normally stoic face.

Serena is doing wonderfully thanks to the wonderful care given to her by Mr. and Mrs. S and the staff at the hospital. She is healthy, happy, and has one of the strongest set of lungs on her I have seen since the Gnomistani underwater bagpipe festival of 1997. It is truly amazing that someone so small can produce a noise so loud and piercing that it would shatter wine glasses a mile away. Serena also likes to look up and stare into your eyes when she is being held. Mr. and Mrs. S throught this was absolutely adorable. I, on the other hand, took it is as a challenge for a good old fashion Gnome-staring contest. Gnomes are known around the world as one of the world leaders in the art of the staring contest. The only ones better at staring contests in the world are the gargoils. They were so good infact that they were officially banned from international competion a few years back. Now Gnomes are very good at staring contests but I met my match with Serena. A mere 30 seconds into our contest and her big eyes melted my resolve and I crumbled. She has bested me this time, but, as a famous California governer once said, "I'll be back."

Enough about me. You have come here to read about Serena, not my staring shortfalls.

Serena met her other set of grandparents today for the first time. Mr. S's parents came down from New Jersey. They were so excited to meet her for the first time. I think we are going to have a hard time keeping Mr. S's mom from snatching up Serena and not wanting to give her back!

Here are some pictures from the past couple of days.

Isn't she cute when she sleeps...when she sleeps

A very happy mommy

A great daddy

And now the grandparents!
Pop pop

Nana

Grandma

Grandpa.....He's shy

6-13-09 What a perfect baby

I would like to formally announce the birth of Mr. and Mrs. S beautiful baby girl, Serena Nicole, at 4:27 am on June 13th. I have had numerous people asking me to post some of the babies stats, like weight, length, etc. I dug out my copy of the official Gnomistani birth registry spreadsheet and filled out the values appropriately. These may differ slightly from what you are used to in America but I will make any additions/correction you would like.

Name: Serena Nicole
Gender: Female
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class : Mammalia
Order: Primates
Family: Hominidae
Genus: Homo
Species: Homo Sapiens
Time of birth: 4:27am, June 13th
Age: 0
Length: 0.0025883838383914995 Furlongs
Diameter: n/a (baby was not born cylindrical)
Weight (on Jupiter): 19 lbs 5oz
Energy: 3.04612734 x 1016 Joules (assuming 100% mass to energy conversion)
Witch evaluation: Negative. Baby did not weight the same as a duck and therefor was not made of wood
Top speed: n/a baby would not complete the required speed course
Occupation: Diaper tester

As more information becomes available I will pass it along.

Now for a few snapshots to pass along.

What a cute baby!

Even cuter !

The happy mother

and father.

6-13-09 12:00am The future grandparents

One of my jobs in assisting the delivery is talking to the loved ones and answering any questions they have. Mrs. S's parents arrived a few hours ago from Pennsylvania. We had a lovely chat about everything from the weather to this strange sport you Americans play called hockey. Apparently the local team called "The Penns" were battling a group called "The Redwings". This savage yet graceful competition ended with a victory for the Penns. Mrs. S said " The burg is now the city of champs, n'at" I think Steely-Eye Gnomanski is starting to rub off on her.

Anyway, another update. Mrs. S is at 10 cm and all looks good. Probably won't go past 2am

10pm ... nothing new to report

8cm dilated and the contractions are 2-3 minutes apart.

6-12-09 7pm All is well

Under my expert guidance I helped with the epidural thus relieving Mrs. S's pain. I do think that your American medicine is amazing. Back in Gnomistan we just give the mother a shot of Gnomistani wiskeyand a leather strap to bite down on.

6-12-09 Well......It's Time!

6-12-09 Well......It's Time!
The day is upon us, Mrs. S is in labor. The three of us are at the hospital and everything is progressing normally.

I was able to find a nice pair of scrubs that fit.

Mrs. S is doing wonderfully...under my expert supervision.

5-20-09 Now that is one powerful flash!

Since I am now allowed to post information about the new upcoming bundle of joy, I have some catching up to do. As I mentioned in my last post, I am a trained professional baby care specialist. Part of my training was in helping to determine the health of an unborn baby gnome. Back in Gnomistan, our hospitals were not as technologically advanced as your American hospitals. We didn't have fancy ultrasound machines like you do. Instead we used a specialized machine called a “Peek-a-boo 3000xsi”. This machine may sound incredibly advanced, but it works on a very simple concept that has evolved over many years. First, the expectant mother stands in front of the doctor who would stare intently at her belly. Next, a group of between 20 to 30 gnomes, depending on the size of the mother, would stand behind the mother holding camera flashes. In unison, all of the assistants would fire their flashes shining the light straight through the mother. For a split second the doctor would be able to see the baby while still inside the mother. This test is very useful to the doctor but can be very traumatic to the baby. As a rule, gnomes are very shy about their bodies and are horrified of the thought of having their picture taken when they aren't looking their best. Having this test done, while medically necessary, can cause a life-long fear of camera flashes. To this day, gnomes will often run away screaming when they see a camera and is why they never...ever...go to raves.

Now back to the upcoming baby. Mrs. S gave me permission to post a few of her ultrasound scans of her new baby. You have to use your imagination to see the baby in some of the shots but they are pretty cool none the less. Enjoy!

November 2008


January 2009


April 2009

5-15-09 Where did Nittany go?

Many of my readers have wondered, “Where has Nittany gone?” First, I would like to quell some rumors that have been circulating on the Interweb.

1.I have not been abducted.
2.I was not deported back to Gnomistan.
3.I did not lose all my money betting on the Kentucky Derby and have to find work as a lawn ornament. (How degrading!).
4.I did not become trapped under the tile floor of the kitchen
5.My cousin Veto did not convince me to join him in his recent, ummmmm, let's call them “wealth redistribution activities. ”

No, the truth is much more exciting! I am going to become an Uncle! Well, more of an honorary Uncle. You see, Mrs. S is pregnant! I couldn't believe my ears! Back in Gnomistan, I was part of a large family. I have eight siblings, all girls, and I loved them all, except one (you know who you are). I love children. One of my many, many jobs was as a professional baby care specialist. I am certified in diaper changing, rattle rattling, and am fluent in four dialects of baby gibberish. I also am fully versed in the literary works of Dr. Seuss and I was on the short list to become one of the Teletubbies.

With the baby on the way, I focused all of my efforts on getting ready for the joyous event. It will be up to Mr. S to finish the kitchen. I have found him to be a very competent apprentice so I think he will do fine on his own. I have told Mr. S to get cracking and post a few updated pictures so hopefully he will.

3-2-2009 Snooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

Monday was going to be a normal day for me. I was going to get out of bed around 10 a.m., shower, and grab some breakfast while I read the Gnomistani Post-Tribune-Times-Chronicle-Gazetteer. I do this routine every day, like clockwork. This morning something was amiss. Mr. and Mrs. S had not left for work when I got out of bed. I checked the calender and it wasn't a weekend or a national holiday. With my mind still in its midmorning fog, I opened the blinds to let in some light. I fell back, blinded by the overwhelming intensity of the light. Had the earth moved closer to the sun overnight? Were the police in a helicopter outside my window waiting to arrest me for that overdue library book? Had I overdosed on allergy medication last night and awoken in heaven? I fought my way back to my feet and gazed through the window again. It was...snow! I had heard stories about snow in my childhood but had never seen it in person. I honestly thought it was a legend that parents used to scare children.

Now some of you may be saying “Liar! You saw snow in Alaska!” This is incorrect, I saw ice in Alaska. Gnomistan has ice, too, lots of ice. In fact the entire northern fifth of the country is covered in ice. But the ice doesn't come from snow, it comes from Greenland. Bear with me. Early Gnomistan had no ice in the Northern region. Around the 11th century AD, a band of Vikings from Greenland landed on the Northern coast. There they discovered a small village of Gnome farmers who welcomed them with open arms. The legend says that the Vikings were very kind people but they had a problem, their heads got cold in the arctic. The Gnomes of that village were excellent hat makers and agreed to trade with the Vikings. The village was having a rough summer that year. The heat scorched the ground, the lakes had nearly dried up, and the regions once thriving snow-cone industry was in shambles. The Vikings agreed to provide them with ice in exchange for warm headgear. So on that fateful day a deal was struck. The Vikings would deliver ice to the Gnomes and the Gnomes would provide them with fur-lined helmets with large stylish horns. All was well for the first 50 years but soon they had more ice than they needed. Every year the Vikings would deliver boat loads to the north country whether it was needed or not. Eventually it covered the entire landscape. To this day the people of Greenland load up their boats and deliver acres of ice every year, despite multiple official requests to stop.

Back to the snow. Mr. S and Mrs. S spent the day at home because it was too dangerous to venture out. Mr. S had one of the region's infamous snow days but Mrs. S had to work from home. Mr. S said that we had nearly seven inches but I didn't believe him. He encouraged me to go outside with him and see for myself as he shoveled the driveway and sidewalks but I was skeptical. Seven inches is A LOT of snow for a gnome. I finally mustered the courage to check out the snow on the deck, thinking this was safer. If I sank down to the bottom of the snow and couldn't climb my way back to the top, perhaps I could burrow over to the railing and squeeze through the spindles. Always have an exit plan, my friends.

The snow was incredible. So soft and fluffy and COLD. I could have stayed out in it all day but Mrs. S became concerned when I started turning blue. She insisted that I come in and partake in some hot cocoa. Between you and me, she's been acting out a bit odd lately...very protective, and something else that I can't quite put my finger on.

Ok, don't panic. What would MacGyver do?


At least I'm trapped on something that looks pretty.


My winter wonderland.

2-28-09 Painting party

After a painstakingly long search, Mr. and Mrs. S FINALLY settled on paint colors. For weeks they had brought home paint chips and compared them to the color of their future cabinets. One day while they were at work, I thought I would lend them a hand and help them pick out a color. I brought all the chips into the living room, set them on the floor, and stared...and stared...and stared. They all looked the same! I swear they had 20 paint chips with the exact same color but different names. I suddenly flashed back to sixth grade in my Gnomistan history class and it all made sense. You see my loyal readers, Gnomistan was not always the enlightened and stable country it is today. In fact, we were quite reactionary when it came to certain issues. 319 years ago Gnomistan went through what you might call “the dark ages.” The government felt threatened by the country's flourishing water color painting movement so they cracked down on their citizens. Now the details are kind of sketchy from that period but most historians believe that government closed down all the art studios, broke and banned every paint brush smaller than two inches wide, and most horrifically, banned bright colors. They came out with the “official” color pallet for the country that consisted of only 38 colors. It was even worse than your modern home owners association's! The color pallet wasn't even well thought-out. Seven of the 38 colors were outside the range of a Gnome's eye sight and 4 of them were versions of clear! Over time our eyes evolved to only be able to see those 38 shades. Scientists are working on the problem but the cure is thought to be years away. But since we can only see a small part of the color spectrum, we gnomes developed a keen sense of discerning the minute differences between what to others would appear as virtually the same color. I called upon this evolutionary advantage to pick the paint colors for the kitchen, laundry room and powder room. At least, that's what I told Mr. and Mrs. S when they returned from work. Don't tell them but I really just picked the colors with the prettiest names.

So with the colors picked, the paint purchased, and the rollers at the ready, we began the great painting adventure. Mr. S's mother and father came down to join the fun. I, myself, was not going to participate in the painting. I have had a life-long fear of paint brush bristles that stems from an unfortunate art class tickling incident. Now every time I see a paint brush, I break out into a cold sweat and hide under the nearest table. Hence, I was content on being the foregnome on this job as we had more than enough people to help. And what progress they made! They finished all of the priming and the painting of the ceilings.

Don't you look at me...Get back to work!


This roller is WAY to big for me

Nittany Gnome: Protector of the paint

2-27-09 Kitchen recap

I have been getting many requests from my loyal readers for a kitchen progress update. I apologize for not posting more often but Mr. S is a real slave driver. He has me working every night until 1am and every waking hour of the weekends. I feel like a zombie. A Gnome needs his beauty sleep!

Well here is what has happened...

The drywall is all up and finished. Hanging the drywall wasn't that hard. Measure, cut, balance on the point of my head, screw in place. Couldn't have been simpler. Finishing the drywall was another story. Mr. S introduced me to something called “Joint Compound”. This was something I have never seen before. It seems you add water to the dusty powder and mix until it is the consistency of the butter made from the milk of a Jar-Gin beast. Mr. S showed me how to spread it onto the walls nice and smooth to fill in the gaps between sheets. This was actually fun! In Gnomistan the local building code calls for the gaps to be filled in with something closely resembling the consistency of chicken noodle soup. This is a great improvement. After two nights we had all the holes filled and the joints sealed. I really enjoyed the work! I stood back and admired my work looking forward to my next project. As I put away our tools Mr. S looked confused. I had thought our job was done, Mr. S had different ideas. He informed me that we had just completed the first coat and there were 2 to 3 coats to go! This broke my little gnome heart. We worked and worked for what seemed like an eternity. And please don't get me started about the dust! I don't understand why after spending days and days putting the joint compound on the walls we started sanding it off. I questioned Mr. S about this but he gave me a very nasty look. He looked very scary covered head to toe in white dust that I dare not anger him. If all this work wasn't bad enough the dust was the most vile substance known to man and Gnome. It sucks all the moisture from you skin and makes you look 80 years older. Three weeks and roughly 80 pounds of joint compound later the job was finished. I didn't like the work as much any more.


For the next few days Mr. S and I cleaned the entire room top to bottom. Mr. S washed the ceiling, removing the last of the vile dust while I washed the walls and floor. You might notice that I am doing more cleaning than Mr. S. The short answer is that I upset Mr. and Mrs. S the other day and this is my punishment. The long story is...well...long. Let's just say it involved a belt sander, sugar free Jello, the fine men and women of the Air National Guard, and a BIG misunderstanding. I would tell you more but I'm under a national security gag order. Ask me again in 30 years.

So the walls are clean, all the holes are patched, and the surface is ready for paint. One more thing to cross off of our list!

Long, Lost Post

Cheerio, dear readers!

I realize that you're waiting with baited breath to learn more about the kitchen renovation and why Steely-Eyed hasn't commented on the Super Steelers. But before we get to those topics, you'll have to indulge me with this blast from the past. You see during our cruise to Bermuda last May, I did extensive research on this phenomenon known as "karaoke." When Mr. and Mrs. S invited me along to check out the karaoke acts one night, I was very surprised. In Gnomistan, karaoke is a form of punishment reserved for those convicted of tax evasion, jay walking, and people who call three-tined objects forks. I couldn't imagine voluntarily attending a karaoke session what with the choruses of wailing cats and extended Vogon poetry monologues. Much to my surprise, the American version of karaoke differs very little, only here it is a quasi-form of entertainment. If people are going to continue to seek out karaoke for "fun," some ground rules must be established.

Nittany Gnome's Rules for Selecting Karaoke Songs

1. Chics should pick with caution. Very few have the power and range of Janis Joplin.
   
2. Ballads are just a bad idea.
3. Audience participation is a must.
4. No 60's protest songs.
5. The karaoke singer must be a special kind of drunk...not too sloppy, but not too sober either.
6. When choosing a slow song, see Rule #2.
7. Don't overestimate the sway factor. It lasts 10 bars max. Your drunk audience has a short attention span. If the majority of the audience is sober, well you're just screwed.
8. Know your crowd, i.e. no war protest songs in the south.
9. Groups can be good. Duets can be bad, really bad.
10. Consider Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach. Don't laugh, I'm serious.
11. When at the mic, stick to songs. Leave the jokes to the professionals.
12. Irish pub songs rule.
13. See # 12.
14. Posses are good. They can make a mediocre performance a success.
    

A Note from Nittany about Pittsburghese

Dear Readers,

It has come to my attention that some of you had a wee bit of difficulty understanding Steely-Eyed’s recent post. Since the Pittsburgh Steelers are Super Bowl bound, Steely-Eyed may have more contributions in the days leading up to the big game. So I thought it best for me to offer an explanation of Steely-Eyed’s manner of speaking and writing.

Steely-Eyed is a descendant of the great gnome tribe of Western Pennsylvania, Yinzus Gnomus. After hundreds of years of mixing with the locals, the Yinzus Gnomus have adopted the local dialect, Pittsburghese. According to the English department at Carnegie Mellon University:

Many people in Pittsburgh and western Pennsylvania think that there is a distinctive dialect of English spoken in this area, which they call "Pittsburghese." When people in this area talk about "Pittsburghese," they often mention words like "yinz," "slippy" and "nebby," sounds like the vowel in "aht" (out) or "dahntahn" (downtown), and expressions like "n’at."

The late, great Steelers announcer Myron Cope was one of the most famous purveyors of Pittsburghese. With the Super Bowl fast approaching, here are some examples of Pittsburghese sports talk.

Here are some common nouns and verbs.

And last but not least, an excellent example of Pittsburghese was left as a comment by Mrs. S's brother on this very blog:

Yoi Steely-Eyed!

After yunz get dun reddin up dahn there, come on dahntahn and i'll buy yinz an arn and a chipped ham hoagie, n'at. Just lemme know when yunz are prolly gonna be here so i can run dahn to the sahside to the jynt igl and get some pop, sketti, n'at. Gotta go, need ta worsh my gutchies.

HERE WE GO STILLERS... N'AT!

That translates to:

Hey, Steely-Eyed!

After you are done cleaning up down there, come on downtown and I'll buy you an iron (likely short for an Iron City Light, a popular local beer) and a ham (chipped ham was invented in Pittsburgh and is a local delicacy) sandwich. Just let me know when you are probably going to be here so I can run down to the Southside (a section of Pittsburgh) to the Giant Eagle (a popular local grocery chain) and get some soda pop, spaghetti, and other stuff. I gotta go, I need to wash my underwear.

I do hope that clears some things up.

More progress pictures

I know, I know. Everybody has been pestering me about posting an update with some pictures. Well here you go. I made three panoramic pictures of the kitchen in various stages of destruction/reconstruction. Click on each picture to see a larger view. Hope you enjoy!

The bare kitchen. All the walls are down, the insulation is out, and the ceiling is down.


The wall and ceiling insulation is back up and the laundry room is framed in.


Progress! All the drywall is in place.

Kitchen drywall update

Well after many requests from my fans (all four of you) I am posting another batch of kitchen remodeling pictures. Today's installment, drywalling the walls. So far everything has gone well. It has taken me a while to get this far as a consequence of my short stature. If you think installing drywall is time consuming for normal people image how hard it is when you are only ten inches tall. Every time I want to add another screw I have to set up a complex scaffolding system that reminds me of skyscraper. If that was not bad enough, Mr. S occasionally flaunts his height by screwing in an entire sheet in 5 minutes! He doesn't even need a ladder! Well enough of my ranting...here are the pictures.

Inside of the new laundry room

Outside of laundry room

Beginning the back wall


Back wall is finished!

Side wall is finished...I've been a busy Gnome!


Removing the old garage door

This is my favorite memory. Mr. S, while trying to help me the other day, accidentally drywalled himself inside the garage. He had been getting on my nerves that day so I didn't feel like letting him out. He does seem kind of helpless and sad in there. He stayed in the garage for hours until, late that night, he realized that there was another door to the kitchen and he escaped his prison.

The old door is completely closed off

1-11-09 Game thoughts from Steely-Eyed

Loving dis old school Stillers football. A running game? Awesome. A touchdown scored by a running back with a fullback escort? Beautiful. Rushing the ball to set up the pass? Incredible. The punt return for a TD wuz nice too.

Ball control offense...that's what I'm talk'n 'bout. The Black n' Gold offense done took eight minutes off the clock to start off the third quarter. What a beaut!

Speechless...an interception after lil' Sproules' big kick off return. Just what the doctor ordered.

Coach Norv looks a wee bit scary on the sideline there.

Benji can even block!

Even da lackluster punter did good with his short punt that bounced off a Bolts' head.

Let da record show, SD only done did run ONE offensive play the entire 3rd quarter.

Woodley is a beast today.

Would've like a TD at da goal line...but can't disagree with Tomlin's call to go for it on 4th and inches.

Yet anudder missed holding call against da man covering Harrison. Unbelievable.

Well alls well dat ends well. Mrs. S should be quite da happy camper for da next week. She's already looking up recipes for stuffed raven.

Big tanks to Nittany for allowing me to guest blog today.

1-11-09 Observations from Steely-Eyed

Hey there, how yinz doin'? To warm up for the Stillers game, I've been watchn' the Igles and the Gints n'at. Dis is what I think I thunk:

* The legendary Terry Bradshaw picked against the Stillers?!? Oh the gnomanity!

* With my suberb gnome lip reading ability, I saw Donovan McNabb say, "I didn't even know that intentional grounding from the endzone could result in a safety."

* So at nearly the end of the second quarter, I must point out that with the score Philadelphia 7, New York 8, provided that both teams only score a field goal, that this game could end in the second 11-10 score in NFL history. Particularly, noteworthy since today's Stillers-Bolts game is the rematch of the first such ending. Well, actually, as yinz know, the final shoulda bin 17-10 if the officials hadn't blown it n'at.

* Well, we did see 11-10 but it didn't last. The Blue Man Group outta put some points on da board before Philly puts the game beyond reach.

* Not looking good for Big Blue. Wowsers, dis far the home teams are 0-3...dat ain't a good omen for the Black n'Gold. Let's hope Ben n' da Boyz snap that trend.

* Humpf, the talk'n head on the teevee says that no game has ever ended in a final score of 23-11...historic ending after all n'at.

Depend'n on my state of mind, n'at, after the big showdown, I might post s'more...or I might not.

Go Stillers!!!!

1-11-09 – Final Christmas Wrap-Up

Mrs. S tells me that I must finish up with my Christmas posts before it's MLK Day. In my defense, in Gnomistan we celebrate both regular western Christmas and Eastern Orthodox Christmas during an on-going mid-winter festival. Naturally, we put off gift-giving to the end in order to take advantage of the monster after (western) Christmas clearance sales. My point is that I'm really not that far behind!

Now to the pictures. This first album includes shots from our trip to New York City on Christmas Day. Be sure to check out the pictures from the Rockettes' performance at Radio City Hall. The ladies with the looong pretty legs were spectacular.




See the full album here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/31094302@N03/sets/72157612448636162

The second album is from our celebrations with Mrs. S's family in Western Pennsylvania. The highlight of this album is the adorable Master Landon, nephew of Mrs. S. I must admit, I am quite jealous that my cousin Gomer gets to live with Landon's family year-round. Master Landon was a lean, mean, present-opening machine.







See the full album here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31094302@N03/sets/72157612406841241/

1/7/09 - JoePa's Missing Glasses

Well, I had high hopes for humanity in 2009 but already my gnome faith has been shaken. Who would steal JoePa's coke bottles? Did they really believe that his prescription would be an exact match for their eyes? Just another instance of why America needs to adopt a universal health care system like we have in Gnomistan.

1-3-09 It's drywall time!

After many months of hard work it's time to REALLY start putting the kitchen back together. First up, drywall the ceiling. I enjoy this quite a bit. There is something fulfilling about putting up drywall. It really makes you feel like you are making progress. To speed things along, Mr. S rented a drywall lift to hoist and hold the sheets to the ceiling so we could screw them in. This makes the job go much faster than if you were trying to do it by hand. Mr. S joked that if we didn't rent the lift, we could just balance the sheet on our heads and screw it in. This might be an option for Mr. S as he is over six feet tall but as you may have noticed, I am on the short side. It would take dozens of gnomes standing on each others' shoulders to reach that high. As a point of fact, gnomes do not stack well. Once we get more than two gnomes high, we become very unstable. This is actually why Gnomistan is very underrepresented in international cheerleading competitions. We just can't form the required pyramids.

The work went very smoothly. Mr. S would measure the piece and I would cut it and load it onto the lift. Mr. S would raise the piece into place while I stood on a ladder and checked the alignment. By the time we finished the final piece, we were a well-oiled machine. I was so excited by our performance that I grabbed the nearest hammer and started ripping out the drywall of the family room! I wanted to do more! Mr. S had to tackle me and wrestle the hammer out of my hands. He wasn't too thrilled at doing more work than needed.

Me and the drywall lift


Our fearless leader

Ok, keep going...keep going...keep, no wait, ABORT! ABORT!


Some pictures of the progress

12-28-08 Christmas isn't always so jolly

Now that Christmas is over, I feel I have to let the world know a sad secret about the holiday. Everyone thinks about Christmas as a joyous holiday where Santa brings everyone in the world just what they wanted. All of the glory goes to Santa Claus and his reindeer. No one ever gives a thought about where those toys come from--the elves. The airwaves are filled with pro-Santa propaganda during the holiday season but no one ever considers the plight of the poor elves. In fact, they have been exploited for their labor for centuries.

I had the occasion to talk to a few of the elves right after the holiday and they were more than willing to give me all the gory details. Even though the elves belong to a union (Toy Makers and Steamfitter Local 103), the fat man continues to overwork his workers to the point of cruelty. The elves have to work 364 days of the year only getting September 19th off for International Talk Like a Pirate day. These poor creatures work for 18 hours a day, every day. Santa also does not believe in automation. A large portion of their work could easily be automated but Santa considers this “laziness.” If it wasn't for the six union coffee breaks a day, the elves would never survive. And, let's not even talk about the poor working conditions. Every elf knowns about the tragic LightBright accident of 1983 that took the lives of 1477 in a matter of seconds.

So please remember, next year when you are asking Santa for your favorite toys, think of the Elves working behind the scenes slaving away to ensure your happiness. For more information about this issue, please listen to this song from the Barenaked Ladies. They sum it up better in one song than I could ever hope to. Elves Lament