10-03-2008 De plane! De plane!

Sadly it is now time to leave the ship which has been our home for the past 13 days. I have truly grown to like the ship and everyone I met aboard. But now, it is time to bid farewell. As is the traditional Gnomistani custom, I performed a farewell dance which consists of nine hours of ritual chanting and dancing naked around a tower of empty liquor bottles and bar receipts. It dates back to the early 1700s when a group of the original Gnomistani colonists celebrated their arrival in the new world by getting very intoxicated and running out on their large bar tab. I do love traditions. Mr. and Mrs. S were NOT happy about the chanting as we all had to get up early to leave the ship and get to the airport. They were particularly disturbed by the naked portion of the ritual. For some unknown reason Mr. S kept screaming “My eyes! My eyes!” Some times I don't understand Americans.

At the airport, we had a four hour wait before our flight departed so I decided to explore LAX. This is a very busy place! I have seen people from all corners of the globe, including my native Gnomistan. We chatted for hours about the homeland, local Gnomistani politics, and of course, the national pastime, poodle bowling. Finally it was time to board our flight. I was not nearly as frightened as I was two weeks ago. Mr. and Mrs. S were asleep shortly after we took off but I stayed awake the entire time. I started chatting with one of the stewardesses and we sort of hit it off. She seemed to have a thing for ruggedly handsome, foot tall world travelers. Coincidentally, she was working the charter flight three months ago that transported the Gnomistani poodle bowling team to the semifinals. She said the team's rowdiness is still talked about within flight attendant circles. They are even still trying to get the poodle fur out of the bathroom sinks. Once we landed, I said my farewells to the flight attendant and headed off for home, ending an amazing odyssey.

Well, that is all for now. Thank you all for following my adventures. I am going to take a day or two off to help Mr. and Mrs. S with their laundry but I will get many more pictures posted soon. Until then, Cheery O!

10-01-2008 And who is this handsome devil?

Imagine my surprise while walking the streets of San Francisco when people started pointing and staring at me. I even had some paparazzi following me through the city. Now I know I am a well-known gnome in Gnomistan but I was hoping to remain anonymous in the States. Finally, I got so fed up with this behavior that I asked one of the gawkers point-blank why they were following me. She directed me to a bus parked near by. Thinking I was going to see one of my press photos from my role in the movie “Pirates of Gnomistan: Where Are We?”, I was shocked to find another gnomes' face on the side of the bus. Now I ask my readers, does this gnome look ANYTHING like me?

10-01-2008 I feel like Sean Connery

We arrived at our final port of call today, San Francisco. Neither Mr. and Mrs. S nor I had ever been to the city so we were all very excited. After disembarking the ship, we went off on a tour of Alcatraz. We wandered the prison grounds and followed a fantastic tour put on by the National Parks Department. Apparently during the entire tour, I had a little smirk on my face. Finally Mr. S asked me what was on my mind. Well, my readers, I have a secret: this was not the first time I was in an inescapable prison...and the last time, I wasn't there as a tourist.
Brace yourself, my readers, you're in for a wild ride. In my life I have had many jobs: travel companion, plumber, trained assassin, among others. One of my most interesting jobs was acting as a “secret inmate” to help test prison security. I was asked to spend a week in a new state-of-the-art prison located in Gnomistan's prison district to help find any security weaknesses. Unfortunately, due to a snafu in the computer system of the the Department of Prison Testing and Animal Husbandry, my status as a “secret inmate” was lost. My only chance was to escape on my own. For months, I monitored the guards' patrol routine, tested for blind spots in the security cameras' visibility, and collected the tools for my escape (spoons from the mess hall, dental floss and a five-horse power Briggs and Stratton engine). Finally, the day came. While all of the guards were playing their morning game of dodge-ball, I executed my plan. First, I slipped through the bars of my cell (security flaw 1: the bars were spaced so far apart that the prisoners were basically on the honor system). I then crawled through an air duct to the prison library (security flaw 2: Never post the prison blueprints on the cell walls to save on wallpaper costs). Finally, using a lock pick set I ordered by mail (security flaw 3: This one is obvious), I unlocked the front door, sprinted to my rental car, which I owed a LOT of money on, and drove to freedom. The story was hushed up in the press because the warden was a drinking chum of the Prime Minister and he didn't want it to get out that the security was so lax. At least I got an amazing story out of my adventure. Here are a few pictures of my trip to “The Rock.”

9-30-2008 So this is how Michael Phelps feels

Tonight Mr. and Mrs. S and their table mates participated in a ship-wide battle of wits called simply enough “The Quest.” I was asked to join in as gnomes are well- known not only for their razor-sharp mind but also for our phenomenal upper body strength. In fact, if it wasn't for the 1932 pixie stick doping scandal, which resulted in a lifetime ban, gnomes would still be the world champions at the clean and jerk. The events were grueling—-synchronized skipping, interpretive teapot dancing, high-speed trouser exchange--and many teams did not survive to the end. When the smoke cleared, our scrappy band of caterwaulers stood victorious. I have never known such a sense of accomplishment! Here I am, accepting my gold medal from the cruise director.

9-28-08 Lazy day at sea

Today we were cruising the Inside Passage so we had a relaxing day at sea. After my little indiscretion yesterday, I could use a little down time. I spent most of the day sitting out on the balcony reading a book on the history of the kaleidescope and its use in the Spanish Inquisition. The scenery was beautiful and the sun was shining all day. I even got to try out my new sunglasses! I hope you enjoy some pictures of the scenery.

9-27-08 My little indiscretion

I am very embarrassed. I have done something that I swore I would never do as a travel companion. I was feeling a little lonely the other day in Ketchikan and I found myself in the old red light district. I'm not proud of what I'm about to say but I must come clean...I paid to get some. That's right, I had a moment of weakness and I paid to have pictures of myself taken. I have never felt so low. I couldn't even stand to look at myself.



I stumbled into the closest bar (that also had on ESPN so I could watch college football) and had myself a beer. By the time I got back to the ship, I was more inebriated than I was during the 1982 National Pot Roast Bake-off.


Mr. and Mrs. S found me passed out on their bed with my face planted in their plate of complimentary sweets. It will take me a long time to live this one down.

9-27-08 And the number one threat to America: Bears

My dear readers, I have a question. Why do Americans fear bears? Before coming to Alaska, I did some research into the local wildlife. Many of the stories I read cautioned about the bears and not to approach them. I found this shocking! In Gnomistan, bears are very friendly and helpful creatures. Many of my fellow countrymen even had bears as pets! The bears were very loyal companions and even helped protect their homesteads. You would be surprised how many gnomes have been saved from marauding gangs of hoodlum trolls looking to start a fight. They still can't get over the Gnomistani victory over Trollbekistan in the 1967 World Cup of Juggling. Anyhow, to prove that bears are not to be feared, here are a few pictures I've taken over the past week with my furry friends.

9-25-08 I have friends everywhere

After our glacier adventure, we all needed a rest. So we went to the world famous Red Dog Saloon. Now this is my kind of bar...sawdust for a floor, great beer, a rowdy crowd. Oh yes, back in Gnomistan, I was known to be a party gnome. Many a night I would stumble home after a long night of “caterwauling” with my chums. After having a relaxing time, our waiter noticed Mr. and Mrs. S were Penn Staters. He, too, had attended that prestigious university and was currently on sabbatical in Alaska. What a small world!

9-25-2008 Seriously, you want me to fly in what!

As a special surprise for me, Mr. and Mrs. S treated me to a trip to the Mendenhall Glacier. I was thrilled! After seeing Hubbard Glacier from a distance, I couldn't wait to stroll across the icy surface. At 1 pm we boarded a bus to leave on our adventure. Now in my mind I believed we were DRIVING to the glacier. Oh no, they had booked me on a HELICOPTER ride to the glacier. I didn't want any part of this! Gnomes and helicopters do not mix. I do not want to get into all the gory details as to why gnomes fear helicopters but let's just say it all stems from the time the world's largest gnome tried to fly in the world's smallest helicopter. A very sad day indeed. Mrs. S said she would hold my hand during the flight as this was her first time in a helicopter as well. How could I chicken out when she was being so brave!



All I can say is that it was so very worth it! The view from the helicopter, once Mrs. S convinced me to open my eyes, was breathtaking. Once we landed, we were taken around the glacier by two very knowledgeable guides. Here's a picture of me with the very helpful chap named Marmot. I hope I made a good impression on him and his fellow guidesman. On their advice, I tried a sip of the glacial water. It tasted just like the water from the Giant Ice Cube Glacier in Gnomistan. The gnome who first discovered it was not the most creative gnome who ever lived.



Overall, I had a wonderful time but boy, was I glad to be back on solid ground—and I sealed my return with a kiss.



As I have said, words cannot describe the full beauty of this area. Thankfully, Mr. S took lots of pictures. I hope you enjoy them. (P.S. I've secretly added in a picture of the happy couple. Don't tell them.)

9-24-2008 They have officially thought of everything!

I must give a tip of my hat to the ingenuity of the Alaskan people. After millions of years of evolution, these hearty people have come up with the ultimate invention: the outdoor gazebo toilet. It combines two of my favorite things, beautiful scenic views and indoor plumbing. Now, where is that toilet paper?

9-24-2008 Northern Exposure

When I opened my eyes this morning, and shook off the cobwebs of the previous night, (note to readers, if someone asks you to do an “Irish Car-bomb” with them, pass) I was in awe of the view from my cabin window. What a change from the Hubbard Glacier! We docked in Skagway, Alaska, early in the morning while the S's and I were still sleeping. The views are spectacular! We are surrounded by magnificent white-capped mountains on all sides and the brilliant blue sky reminded me of my homeland. Ours was the only cruise ship in the harbor so the crowds were minimal. I was thrilled when I found out that Mrs. S had booked us passage on the White Pass Railroad to sightsee up the slope of one of the mountains. I have never seen a more picturesque sight. It was even more beautiful than the golden fire caves of my homeland. I never thought that was possible. I had fun introducing myself to the local wildlife including a quite stoic black bear. And, I was very surprised to see this sign pointing to my homeland...even though they did spell it incorrectly.

9-23-2008 Baby, it's cold outside

This morning we awoke early as we approached our next stop, Hubbard Glacier. I have never seen a glacier in person, so this was going to be a very exciting day. I would like to teach you a few things I have learned about glaciers today.

1. Glaciers are massive sheets of ice that have slowly shaped the landscape of Alaska for tens of thousands of years.

2. Glaciers are cold. I mean really, really cold. A gnome could freeze stiff in seconds cold.

Armed with that knowledge, I donned the beautiful hat and scarf Mr. S's mother bought for me. I cannot tell her enough how much that gift helped me this morning. The glacier was absolutely magnificent! The ship was able to approach to within several hundred meters of the face, close enough to watch large sections of the surface break off and crash into the water. It took my breath away...as did the cold. Have I mentioned the cold? Mr. S told me it wasn't that cold outside but I think he was just trying to look macho in front of his wife. We spent several hours in close proximity to the glacier and the captain even spun the ship 360 degrees so that everyone had a great view. As we sailed away Mr. and Mrs. S treated themselves, and me, to what they called “adult hot chocolate.” I'm not sure what was in it, but it sure did warm my belly.

9-22-2008 Flying gnome snatchers

Today was our first port of call on our adventure, the beautiful town of Sitka, Alaska. This quaint little fishing village reminded me of the my youth working as a net repair gnome in a small sea monkey fishing town. Although the weather was a bit overcast, it did not hinder the beauty of the Sitka National Forest. Mr. and Mrs. S and I walked for hours along the shore of the bay watching the seagulls and salmon in their natural habitat. I thought I was in heaven.

Following our nature walk, we proceeded to a raptor rehabilitation center. My kind readers, the word “raptor” means something different in my Gnomistani dialect. To us, raptor refers to “a small harmless bird with fluffy feathers that loves to be held and can play checkers at the grandmaster level.” When I walked into the building this is what I was greeted with:

I have never been more scared in my life! In fact, I was frozen like stone in the doorway. These birds are responsible for more gnome disappearances in my country than the Gnomistani mafia. Amazingly, Mr. and Mrs. S were not frightened by these flying gnome snatchers of death, in fact they enjoyed seeing them up close. We spent about an hour wandering the facility, watching the birds and listening to presentations of the work they do at the facility. I will admit, I do admire the work they do there in rehabilitating injured birds and releasing them into the wild. They even bring them to schools all over the country to teach children about the animals. While I don't see the administrators of Gnomistani Department of Education allowing them to come to our country, I will present it to them when I get back. I can honestly say that I am now a smidgen less frightened of the birds.

Here are a few of the sights we saw on our journey.

9-20-08 What is caterwauling?

I have been accused of many things during my lifetime: breathing too loudly in public, not washing behind my ears, being a paid mercenary for the department of redundancy department but tonight at dinner I was accused of the unthinkable...caterwauling. The problem is, I don't know what that means!
Mr. and Mrs. S were seated with two other lovely young couples. Apparently our youth exuberance was too much for the fuddy-duddies (yes, I just used that word) seated at the table next to ours. They gave us dirty looks all night and at the end of dinner pointed and, rather loudly, complained to the waiter about our excessive caterwauling. They even demanded to be moved! Now none of us at the table had any idea what caterwauling meant. The best we could come up with was that caterwauling was the sound produced by cats as you built walls around them. I can assure my fellow readers that we did NOT do that this night. In fact, no walls were built around any felines in the entire dining room. Perhaps my enlightened readers can leave a comment as to the “proper” meaning of the word.

9-21-2008 Et tu Steely-eye?

I have been hiding something from Mr. and Mrs. S for a while now and I needed to get it off my chest. Several weeks ago, I discovered something about my fellow countrymen Steely-eye and I hid it from Mr. and Mrs. S to keep them from getting upset and causing an incident. Steely-eye, who normally is a very upstanding Gnomistani citizen, hatched an idea to secretly trade places with me on my Alaskan odyssey. I don't want to reveal the source of my information as it could put them in grave danger. He planned to sneak up to me one night, drug me, steal my clothes, and bound and hide me in the basement until the trip was over. Thankfully, the plot never materialized beyond the planning stages. Even if he had been successful in switching places with me, I doubt that Mr. and Mrs. S would have been fooled...our accents are totally different!