12-24-08 No, I would NOT like to buy insurance

I saw the Aflac spokesduck on TV for the first time the other day. I thought it was a very funny and creative commercial. I would even consider buying supplemental insurance from them if I wasn't already covered by the Gnomistani universal health care plan. I was under the impression that you had to call them to buy one of their policies. Imagine my surprise when I was admiring Mr. S's family Christmas tree when I was ambushed by none other than the spokesduck! Talk about high pressure sales tactics! He wouldn't let me leave until he finished his FOUR HOUR sales pitch! On Christmas eve! I politely told him no, for the eighty-third time, and he finally got the message. I shook his wing and off he went.

12-24-08 So this is where cows come from!

Cows are amazing animals. They're cute, gentle, tasty creatures. I have admired these graceful beasts ever since I was a young gnome roaming the countryside looking for adventure. I wandered a long time as there was very little excitement in the area. About the best we could hope for was watching the occasional prairie dog gang fight.

I have always wondered where cows came from. I have never seen a pregnant cow, or at least I don't think I have. Are cows born like other animals? Do they grow out of the ground like corn? Are they delivered from the sky like the mammoth ground slug of the badlands? No, my good readers. The answer is much simpler and thanks to Mr. S's mother I now have the answer. Cows are hatched from eggs. I bet you're glad you know this now.

12-14-08 I make this look gooooood

Once the mailman came down from the tree, and after I apologized profusely, I received the package sent by Mr. S's mother. Christmas had come early! I was incredibly excited as I ripped open the package and tore off the wrapping paper. I was taken aback! I had never seen anything so beautiful! I immediately tried it on and haven't taken it off since. The three bulbs on the collar twinkle just like my eyes do!

12-13-08 I just cannot condone this behavior

Wow...just, wow. I hereby denounce all the gnomes that participated in this shameless stunt.

http://weirdnews.about.com/od/weirdphotos/ig/Nazi-Garden-Gnomes/

12-12-08 Neither rain, nor snow, nor hidden gnome

I hereby apologize to all our brave mail carriers who face all manner of danger while religiously delivering our credit card offers and Harbor Freight catalogs. Let me explain. Mr. S's mother told me to “watch the mail.” It seems this doesn't mean the same thing as it does in Gnomistan. Back in my homeland, when someone tells you to “watch the mail,” it is a signal that someone plans to play a practical joke on you. Gnomes are natural practical jokers but we often limit ourselves to fooling with our target's mailbox. I decided to hide out in our mailbox to surprise the would be practical joker. When the mailman opened the mailbox, I jumped out, pinched his nose, and screamed “got you!”. Terrified, the mail carrier jumped back screaming and ran as fast as he could down the street. They found him six hours later, 15 feet up a tree whimpering to himself “I see little blue men.”

12-9-08 Just a little update

Here is a quick update to all my loyal readers...all three of you. All of the ceiling insulation is complete. About 95% of the wall insulation is complete. 90% of the wiring and plumbing are complete. Most of the laundry room is framed in including the pocket door. Now that I have seen and installed the pocket door, I understand more about them. When Mr. S first told me I would be installing a pocket door, I had no idea what he was talking about. He tried and tried to explain it me but I just couldn't grasp what he meant. I kept visualizing a door that was the size of pocket. Even if the pocket was large, say from an XXL Penn State sweatshirt, I just couldn't see how this would be useful to anyone but a gnome child. Now that I see that it's a full-size door, it all makes sense.

12-6-08 Safety second...achoo...I mean first.

Always be safe while working. Wear safety glasses, a dust mask, and always be aware of your surroundings. And most importantly, if you are working up high, wear a safety harness. I'm thankful I remembered mine today. I was installing the pocket door track when I started sneezing. My sneezes tend to be rather forceful and I fell off the door header. If it hadn't been for my safety line, I would have cracked my head open! I got to contemplate how lucky I was all night as Mr. and Mrs. S had already gone to bed and didn't find me until morning.

12-3-08 This is my nail gun. There are many like it but this one is mine.

To help in framing in the new laundry room, Mr. S bought a framing nail gun. I had never used a nail gun like this and was eager to give it a try. This should really speed up my work greatly. Framing has always been a tough profession for gnomes. If you haven't noticed, we have very short arms. It's hard to drive a nail when you can hardly swing a hammer. Back in Gnomistan, it is uncommon for houses to be held together with nails. Typically we use a glue made from a mixture of flour and water with strips of newspaper as reinforcement. It works surprisingly well, unless it rains.

My first attempt using the nail gun was not promising. I got the gun lined up, pulled the trigger...and then I blacked out. I came to a few seconds later all the way across the room lying on a pile of insulation. Mr. S was laughing hysterically. He said that when I pulled the trigger, the recoil sent me flying across the room! Thankfully the only thing that was hurt was my pride. I tried again, this time putting all my weight behind it. It still threw me but only half way across the room. At least this time the nail went in and the stud held in place. No matter how disturbing it is to be thrown across the room...it still beats hammering.

11-28-08 When the foreman is away, the Gnomes shall play

While Mr. and Mrs. S were up in New Jersey (random thought, where is Old Jersey and why did we need a new one?), I was left at home to continue work on the kitchen. I had grand plans of finishing all of the insulation, electrical, and framing. Unfortunately, my plans never got very far. I had planned on getting a good night sleep and then working all day but that was not to be. I decided to watch a little TV during breakfast and discovered the most fascinating show. I believe it is called Law and Order.
I was only going to watch one episode and then get started working but then another episode came on. And then another...and another...and another. Before I knew what had happened, it was Friday afternoon. To my horror, Mr. and Mrs. S came home early. They found me in the living room with the remote in one hand and an empty bag of Oreos in the other--and a glazed look in my eyes. I have learned that not only is Law and Order an addictive show to watch but it seems to be on TV ALL THE TIME!

11-27-08 Happy Thanksgiving!

I would like to wish all of my readers a happy Thanksgiving.

11-23-08 Back to work

It took me longer to recover than expected after the Penn State victory yesterday. I decided to have a few drinks in honor of the poor fans who braved the roughly 20 degree weather to be in the stadium for the victory. Mr. S suggested I try a Long Island ice tea as this is one of his favorite drinks. Now I have never been to this Long Island but judging by their national drink (Long Island is a country, correct?) I do not want to mess with these people! If this is what they drink every day they are much stronger than I am. This morning, after clearing the cobwebs I remembered a quote I once heard, “Long Island Iced Tea…it’s a bad decision in every glass.” Now I understand.

I felt that I needed to accomplish something today, so I decided to finish up the attic insulation. After my unfortunate experience with the blown-in insulation, I wasn't looking forward to this project. Thankfully Mr. S bought fiberglass batts that were much easier to install. I was able to not only get the garage ceiling finished but I got a good start on the kitchen as well! Not a moment too soon I might add. It was 45 degrees all weekend in the kitchen. It's not easy finding a sweatshirt that fits me. I wish the stores in this area would carry a better selection of Gnome big and tall sizes.

11-22-08 I smell roses!

3...2...1...Victory! I never knew American football could be this exciting! Mr. and Mrs. S could hardly contain their excitement. Oh the cheering, the celebrating, some would say caterwauling! What could bring about this moment of true joy? My adopted team, THE Penn State Nittany Lions will be playing in the Rose Bowl! I honestly don't know what this is but Mr. and Mrs. S say it is a very good thing. I am envisioning that come New Year's Day both teams will huddle on the playing field and over the course of the next 60 minutes battle it out to see who can make the most beautiful floral arrangement consisting exclusively of roses. While I think this will be beautiful, I just can't see how playing American football for three months can prepare you for this. Oh well, I guess I'll understand in about 6 weeks.

11-17-08 Random progress pictures

While I'm not in all of these pictures, Mr. S wanted me to post some shots of our handy work. Enjoy.


The new radiant barrier

No more header leading into the kitchen.

All the new can lights

Grand view of the destruction..I mean Kitchen

I'm so taaaaalllllllllll

The view from the attic is GREAT with out the ceiling

No more door header.

11-16-08 Insulation, you are thy enemy

I hate blown-in insulation. I mean, I really, really hate it. I would like to meet the person who invented it, stuff his clothing full of it, and force him to run a marathon...on a hot day...in really humid weather. It is the most vile substance to work around since the Gnomistani building inspectors made us switch from using construction adhesive to using previously chewed bubble gum (PCBG) scrapped off the underside of school children's desk as a bonding agent. What a truly horrible time that was! Mr. S needed some help in the attic installing some lights and he asked me to help. Now in his defense he did warn me to wear long sleeves and pants but I didn't listen. No, my Gnomish pride got the better of me. After working for only an hour I began to itch all over. No matter what I did, I could not make the itching stop! Finally, after taking three showers I stopped itching...two days later. In a fit of rage (oh yes, Gnomes are well-known for their fits of rage) I tore down all of the ceiling drywall and insulation. Mr. S was horrified at the mess I made but just as soon as the dust had settled, I cleaned up all the rubble and stored it in the garage. I even promised to personally repair all the drywall myself. Now, time to get back to work.

11-15-08 I have been a bad gnome

I humbly apologize for failing to post to the blog for several weeks. After I returned from Alaska at the beginning of October, I threw myself back into the kitchen project. For weeks my days have consisted of breakfast, remodeling, brunch, remodeling, lunch, remodeling, snack break, remodeling, high tea, remodeling, dinner, story time, sleep. By the end of the night I can hardly keep my tiny eyes open! Even on the weekends I am working all day...sometimes I even skip high tea! For a gnome to miss high tea is unheard of. The tradition dates back to the Gnomistani tea party of 1773. It happened roughly a month after your Boston tea party but due to the poor communications of the day, we misunderstood the nature of the event. Instead of throwing tea into Boston harbor as a tax protest, we threw all our tea into a giant cloth bag and dipped it into a huge, tall cauldron of boiling water. From that day forth, every day we remember that event by making a cup of tea and toasting our forefathers. And so began the tradition of high tea. I'm sorry, I've drifted off topic. Anyway, I hereby promise to post more often.