9-9-08 A word of caution...

As I said previously, I have never worked with PVC pipe before. Being a master plumber (local 1201), I thought I could figure out how to install the pipe without reading the directions on the glue. Damn my gnomish sense of pride! I started to apply the primer and glue to some fittings, when the room began to spin. I began to see images of my homeland...the grain fields of the northland, the beautiful beaches on the eastern shore, the sulfur fire caves of the west side. Then I started seeing visions of purple elephants dancing to Pink Floyd's “Dark Side of the Moon” and a cute gnome girl I dated in high school throwing balls of mud at me as I ran naked on the cricket field. It made no sense! Suddenly I felt a slap to my face, snapping me out of my daze. Mr. S found me wandering the house with a piece of pipe on my head screaming “I'm a pretty gnome!” I was very embarrassed.

Word to the wise....always work in a well ventilated area when you are working with PVC glue.

9-9-08 Water go down the hole

It takes a lot to surprise me. Mr. S asked me to help him install the new plumbing in the kitchen. Now I am a master plumber back in Gnomistan (local 1201) but I have never worked with such space age technology! PVC pipe, PEX tubing...it blows my gnomish mind! Back in Gnomistan we never used such fantastic technology. Back at home, for water pipes we used the hollowed out femurs of the ferocious Jar-Gin beast (roughly equivalent to a large chipmunk). Many plumbers would lose their lives just connecting a simple water fountain. I must take this magic back to Gnomistan as soon as possible...our union ranks are thinning rapidly!

Gnomes everywhere, beware!

Although I am still basking in the glow of Mr. Buffett and his musical extravaganza, I received some disturbing news today. Mr. S's sister is in Italy and there is gnome chaos going on in Europe. The Garden Gnome Liberation Front (GGLF) is accused of this travesty!

Good thing Mr. & Mrs. S have a security system at our house or I might need to join the gnome protection program! I know my cousin Vito has had some trouble with the law...I just hope he is not involved.

Must warn the others…
http://www.newser.com/story/29870/french-gnab-gnome-bandit.html

Blame it on Buffett

Mr. and Mrs. S had a very nice surprise for me this weekend. In honor of Labor Day and all of the hard work I have done on the kitchen, they invited me to join them at a celebration honoring a Mr. Jimmy Buffett. I had heard of this legendary man while I was in Gnomistan but I honestly thought all of the stories were exaggerations. Honestly, who would believe the stories that one man could command tens of thousands of followers to dress in grass skirts and coconut bras and dance like Carmen Miranda all night? To make the celebration even more memorable Mr. and Mrs. S's family came down to join us. I felt truly honored that they would include me in this festival.

The crowd at the festival was most amazing! I have come to realize that the stories we heard in Gnomistan were grossly understated. The only event I have ever seen that ever came close to this festive atmosphere was the 1994 Gnomistani bicentennial. Now that was a party! In fact, as of the last time I called home it was still going strong!

Mrs. S organized a scavenger hunt to introduce myself and the rest of the family to our fellow Parrotheads. Here are some memorable images from our adventure.

The Lost Shakers of Salt

Thank God the Tiki Bar is Open

Volcano!

My new "friend"!

A picture of me and Mr. Jimmy!

License to Chill!

The official blender of Margaritaville!

These chaps are called "Parrotheads"!

Double blender action

Jimmy gets my vote!

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Dancing the day a way with my new friend Chickee

A coconut bra and grass skirt...but I think they look better on the ladies.

And most important, my fellow concert-goers

8-25-08 Defending thy honor

Oh my, I have received several responses now suggesting that Mr. & Mrs. S consumed the vast amount of beer evidenced in my recent post. This won't do. I simply must clear their good names. Check out the close up of the beer can. As you'll see, it's very, very old. The opening device is quite primitive. And the logo looks to be from last century. Why, I doubt that Mr. & Mrs. S were much older than wee babes when those cans were made and consumed.

8-23-08 Gone, baby, gone

The kitchen is so much bigger now without the cabinets...and the sink...and the dishwasher...and the stove. My, oh my, so much open space!

8-21-08 Let There Be Light

Today Mrs. S allowed me to be the foregnome of the window crew. Although she had some difficulties understanding the workers, I was able to save the day. As a traveling gnome, I am proficient in many languages. With me acting as an interpreter, the crew successfully installed three new windows.

8-20-08 Oh, the Gnomanity!

Beware, fellow gnomes! I was quite appalled to read this shocking story from a town near where Mrs. S grew up.


The incident alone is tragic enough but notice that the article, typical of media here in the States, gives no mention of the condition of the poor gnome. Will the violence never stop?

[h/t Kim for sharing this article.]

8-19-08 Can't make this stuff up

After another grueling evening of work, I had just about finished the kitchen demolition.


Imagine my surprise when I removed the sink and found this:




Somebody must have had quite the party when they were building the kitchen!

8-16-08 Steely-Eyed Gnomanski

To thank Mr. and Mrs. S for their hospitality this weekend, Mrs. S's brother and sister-in-law presented them with a new addition to the family. Steely-Eyed Gnomanski is yet another cousin of mine from the homeland. “Steely-eyed” (which is his actual name, I have seen his drivers license) hails from the steel belt of central Gnomanistan. The region is known for the convergence of Gnomistan's three main rivers and its fanatical devotion to the local sports teams. Welcome, S.E.! I look forward to getting to know another of my fellow countrymen.

8-16-08 The gang goes to the zoo

Mrs. S's brother and sister-in-law had never been to the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. before, so we decided to take a field trip. For Landon, this was the first time he had ever seen exotic wild animals outside of a Dr. Seuss book. I, myself, was very excited about this trip as I had heard that the zoo had recently been given a pair for endangered Gnomistani screaming prairie dogs as a goodwill gift. These animals are very rare and truly a delight to see. It is said that if they scream at just the right pitch, you will think you hear angels singing in heaven...just before you tiny eardrums burst.

Alas, it was not to be. When we arrived at the zoo, there was a sign saying that gnomes were banned due to a recent incident with a gnome and a badger. Undeterred, I hid myself in Landon's stroller and we headed inside. I decided that I would be the designated camera gnome for the day in order to not attract too much attention to myself. So I don't get to see the Gnomistani screaming prairie dogs but here are some of the pictures I snapped.

8-15-08 And who might you be?

Thursday night I decided to turn in early after working all day to clean up the mess I had made in the kitchen. Imagine my surprise when I woke up the next morning to find not only were there strange people in the house but they had a baby with them. Now I know why Mrs. S wanted me to clean up so thoroughly. It is not well known but aside from our love of travel and demolition skills, gnomes also make excellent babysitters. In fact, the story of Mary Poppins was loosely based on a gnome named Berry Hobbins from the southern coast of Gnomistan. Readers, I present to you Landon, the nephew of Mr. & Mrs. S.

With a baby in the house, I immediately placed all demolition activities on hold. I briefly considered enlisting Landon's help with the project but Mr. S reminded me of the strict child labor laws here in the States.

I was amazed at how smart and well-behaved Landon acted. The other children I have seen on my travels have seemed rude and immature while Landon was a model of sophistication. Could it be I was mistaken about children from this country? Alas, the answer to the riddle was revealed to me...Landon has had the benefit a Gnomish presence guiding him through his development. A handsome fellow countryman named Gomer, who bears a striking resemblance to myself, has been by his side for most of his young life. Now I know why Landon is such a delightful—and cuddly—child! A gnome has helped to mold his sunny disposition.

8-10-08 I am not refuse!

I may be the same size as the chunks of drywall but I am NOT debris! Mr. S 'accidentally' swept me into the garbage can. Thankfully Mrs. S was there to rescue me!

8-10-08 The demolition continues

I was given the blessing today to continue my path of destruction. You would be amazed at how much damage one gnome on a mission can do! The laundry room, side wall, and half of the back wall have been reduced to nothing more than gnome-sized chunks of debris. I did discover a new hiding place, if only I didn't have to destroy it. I found that the soffit is the perfect size for a gnome. I took a break up here until Mr. S found me and told me to get back to work. He can really be a gnome driver.