9-24-2008 Northern Exposure

When I opened my eyes this morning, and shook off the cobwebs of the previous night, (note to readers, if someone asks you to do an “Irish Car-bomb” with them, pass) I was in awe of the view from my cabin window. What a change from the Hubbard Glacier! We docked in Skagway, Alaska, early in the morning while the S's and I were still sleeping. The views are spectacular! We are surrounded by magnificent white-capped mountains on all sides and the brilliant blue sky reminded me of my homeland. Ours was the only cruise ship in the harbor so the crowds were minimal. I was thrilled when I found out that Mrs. S had booked us passage on the White Pass Railroad to sightsee up the slope of one of the mountains. I have never seen a more picturesque sight. It was even more beautiful than the golden fire caves of my homeland. I never thought that was possible. I had fun introducing myself to the local wildlife including a quite stoic black bear. And, I was very surprised to see this sign pointing to my homeland...even though they did spell it incorrectly.

9-23-2008 Baby, it's cold outside

This morning we awoke early as we approached our next stop, Hubbard Glacier. I have never seen a glacier in person, so this was going to be a very exciting day. I would like to teach you a few things I have learned about glaciers today.

1. Glaciers are massive sheets of ice that have slowly shaped the landscape of Alaska for tens of thousands of years.

2. Glaciers are cold. I mean really, really cold. A gnome could freeze stiff in seconds cold.

Armed with that knowledge, I donned the beautiful hat and scarf Mr. S's mother bought for me. I cannot tell her enough how much that gift helped me this morning. The glacier was absolutely magnificent! The ship was able to approach to within several hundred meters of the face, close enough to watch large sections of the surface break off and crash into the water. It took my breath away...as did the cold. Have I mentioned the cold? Mr. S told me it wasn't that cold outside but I think he was just trying to look macho in front of his wife. We spent several hours in close proximity to the glacier and the captain even spun the ship 360 degrees so that everyone had a great view. As we sailed away Mr. and Mrs. S treated themselves, and me, to what they called “adult hot chocolate.” I'm not sure what was in it, but it sure did warm my belly.

9-22-2008 Flying gnome snatchers

Today was our first port of call on our adventure, the beautiful town of Sitka, Alaska. This quaint little fishing village reminded me of the my youth working as a net repair gnome in a small sea monkey fishing town. Although the weather was a bit overcast, it did not hinder the beauty of the Sitka National Forest. Mr. and Mrs. S and I walked for hours along the shore of the bay watching the seagulls and salmon in their natural habitat. I thought I was in heaven.

Following our nature walk, we proceeded to a raptor rehabilitation center. My kind readers, the word “raptor” means something different in my Gnomistani dialect. To us, raptor refers to “a small harmless bird with fluffy feathers that loves to be held and can play checkers at the grandmaster level.” When I walked into the building this is what I was greeted with:

I have never been more scared in my life! In fact, I was frozen like stone in the doorway. These birds are responsible for more gnome disappearances in my country than the Gnomistani mafia. Amazingly, Mr. and Mrs. S were not frightened by these flying gnome snatchers of death, in fact they enjoyed seeing them up close. We spent about an hour wandering the facility, watching the birds and listening to presentations of the work they do at the facility. I will admit, I do admire the work they do there in rehabilitating injured birds and releasing them into the wild. They even bring them to schools all over the country to teach children about the animals. While I don't see the administrators of Gnomistani Department of Education allowing them to come to our country, I will present it to them when I get back. I can honestly say that I am now a smidgen less frightened of the birds.

Here are a few of the sights we saw on our journey.

9-20-08 What is caterwauling?

I have been accused of many things during my lifetime: breathing too loudly in public, not washing behind my ears, being a paid mercenary for the department of redundancy department but tonight at dinner I was accused of the unthinkable...caterwauling. The problem is, I don't know what that means!
Mr. and Mrs. S were seated with two other lovely young couples. Apparently our youth exuberance was too much for the fuddy-duddies (yes, I just used that word) seated at the table next to ours. They gave us dirty looks all night and at the end of dinner pointed and, rather loudly, complained to the waiter about our excessive caterwauling. They even demanded to be moved! Now none of us at the table had any idea what caterwauling meant. The best we could come up with was that caterwauling was the sound produced by cats as you built walls around them. I can assure my fellow readers that we did NOT do that this night. In fact, no walls were built around any felines in the entire dining room. Perhaps my enlightened readers can leave a comment as to the “proper” meaning of the word.

9-21-2008 Et tu Steely-eye?

I have been hiding something from Mr. and Mrs. S for a while now and I needed to get it off my chest. Several weeks ago, I discovered something about my fellow countrymen Steely-eye and I hid it from Mr. and Mrs. S to keep them from getting upset and causing an incident. Steely-eye, who normally is a very upstanding Gnomistani citizen, hatched an idea to secretly trade places with me on my Alaskan odyssey. I don't want to reveal the source of my information as it could put them in grave danger. He planned to sneak up to me one night, drug me, steal my clothes, and bound and hide me in the basement until the trip was over. Thankfully, the plot never materialized beyond the planning stages. Even if he had been successful in switching places with me, I doubt that Mr. and Mrs. S would have been fooled...our accents are totally different!

9-20-2008 Serenade of the Seas

It has been several months in coming but today, we stepped aboard the Serenade of the Seas to begin our Alaska adventure. To my surprise the cabin was adorned in the most beautiful white and blue decorations! There was even a beautifully wrapped gift on the bed. I was overwhelmed that Mr. and Mrs. S would not only know about but recognize Gnomistani Arbor Day! They even had the decorations colored to reflect the two national trees of Gnomistan: the white oak and the screaming blue turnip tree. If you are not familiar with Gnomistani history (a safe bet with the current state of your public education system), the white oak tree symbolizes the purity and the strength of Gnomistani people while the screaming blue turnip tree represents our love of loud blue turnips. Sadly, my initial joyousness was crushed when I read that the decorations were from Mrs. S's parents and the wine truffles were from Mr. S's parents all in recognition of Mr. and Mrs. S's five year anniversary of marriage. I couldn't be upset for too long as the celebration of love between two people is admired most of all among my people. But still...I would have liked a gift. Maybe the ship will serve screaming blue turnips with dinner.

9-19-08 Ummmm, I have to do what!

I must have been in denial thinking about Denali. It never dawned on me that I would have to FLY to get on the Alaska cruise. I DO NOT fly. Mr. and Mrs. S were very surprised by this. They always thought I had flown here from Gnomistan. On the contrary, I took a boat with 35 of my fellow countrymen (and eight trolls from Trollbekistan, they were annoying). I remember our journey like it was yesterday....sailing across the sea for 12 days until we arrived at Ellis Island. Unfortunately, we then discovered that Ellis Island was now a tourist destination and not a immigration terminal and hadn't been for many years. Damn these outdated maps. The captain found that the port of Bayonne, New Jersey close by and we proceeded to dock there. The captain, upon seeing the Bayonne landscape, attempted to try to turn the ship back to Gnomistan! He said, and I quote “Arrrgh, if this is what the new world looks like, I'm going back to the old world.” Thankfully we convinced him that the rest of America really did look like the brochure and he allowed us to disembark.

Mr. and Mrs. S were confident that I would be able to handle the airplane ride, so we all headed off for the airport. While they were checking their bags (why do two people need 7 bags! I only need my backpack!), I headed off to the airport bar to try to loosen up before the flight. They must make those airport drinks strong because the next thing, I knew I was at thirty thousand feet over Canada. The view was breathtaking! I can't wait to fly again! Note to Mrs. S's mom: If I can do it, so can you! Together we can make it to the Oasis.

P.S. Mrs. S asked me to point out that she was not only carry most of my gear, but she was also lugging me in her carryon. Perhaps, I was a bit harsh in my statement about too many bags. It is a 2-week cruise, after all.

9-18-08 It's time for another adventure

All of my hard work in the kitchen has paid off. Mr. and Mrs. S said I have exceeded their renovation goals so I can come with them on their trip to Alaska! I was very worried for a while. After my little “I'm a pretty Gnome” incident, I didn't think they wanted me to come with them. Not only are they excited to have me with them but they also had a surprise for me...a new backpack! Very stylish. And, it is the perfect size for my business cards.

9-13-08 Gomer, reporting in

This weekend was Landon's first birthday and Mr. and Mrs. S were driving up to his house for the celebration. Why was I not asked to join them you might ask? Well, I got into a bit of hot water with the S's over my unapproved kitchen design changes. I'm sorry, but in this day and age I think there SHOULD be a gnome-sized cappuccino machine at floor level. Mr. S wasn't too happy about tripping over it in the morning and made me stay home this weekend to undo my changes. I asked Gomer, my gnome cousin to report in as a guest writer. Enjoy.

“Hello, Nittany! Thank you ever so much for allowing me to write this report. I only hope I can live up to the quality reporting that your loyal fan base expects. You would surprised at how much Landon has grown! I know it has only been a month since you have seen him but, my, how he has changed. He's now walking very well and can speak several new words! Granted many of them sound the same the same but to the keen ears of the gnome, they all are very distinct. I, myself, was asked to help stand watch over Landon's gift table. I was joined by another gnome who looks very similar to your friend Steely-eye. He didn't say much, and I never got his name, but he was an amazing guard gnome. He never moved a muscle and he kept his eyes on the gifts at all time. He reminded me of the guards outside Gnomingham palace in Gnomistan. Anyway, here are a few photos of the celebration.”

9-9-08 A word of caution...

As I said previously, I have never worked with PVC pipe before. Being a master plumber (local 1201), I thought I could figure out how to install the pipe without reading the directions on the glue. Damn my gnomish sense of pride! I started to apply the primer and glue to some fittings, when the room began to spin. I began to see images of my homeland...the grain fields of the northland, the beautiful beaches on the eastern shore, the sulfur fire caves of the west side. Then I started seeing visions of purple elephants dancing to Pink Floyd's “Dark Side of the Moon” and a cute gnome girl I dated in high school throwing balls of mud at me as I ran naked on the cricket field. It made no sense! Suddenly I felt a slap to my face, snapping me out of my daze. Mr. S found me wandering the house with a piece of pipe on my head screaming “I'm a pretty gnome!” I was very embarrassed.

Word to the wise....always work in a well ventilated area when you are working with PVC glue.

9-9-08 Water go down the hole

It takes a lot to surprise me. Mr. S asked me to help him install the new plumbing in the kitchen. Now I am a master plumber back in Gnomistan (local 1201) but I have never worked with such space age technology! PVC pipe, PEX tubing...it blows my gnomish mind! Back in Gnomistan we never used such fantastic technology. Back at home, for water pipes we used the hollowed out femurs of the ferocious Jar-Gin beast (roughly equivalent to a large chipmunk). Many plumbers would lose their lives just connecting a simple water fountain. I must take this magic back to Gnomistan as soon as possible...our union ranks are thinning rapidly!

Gnomes everywhere, beware!

Although I am still basking in the glow of Mr. Buffett and his musical extravaganza, I received some disturbing news today. Mr. S's sister is in Italy and there is gnome chaos going on in Europe. The Garden Gnome Liberation Front (GGLF) is accused of this travesty!

Good thing Mr. & Mrs. S have a security system at our house or I might need to join the gnome protection program! I know my cousin Vito has had some trouble with the law...I just hope he is not involved.

Must warn the others…
http://www.newser.com/story/29870/french-gnab-gnome-bandit.html

Blame it on Buffett

Mr. and Mrs. S had a very nice surprise for me this weekend. In honor of Labor Day and all of the hard work I have done on the kitchen, they invited me to join them at a celebration honoring a Mr. Jimmy Buffett. I had heard of this legendary man while I was in Gnomistan but I honestly thought all of the stories were exaggerations. Honestly, who would believe the stories that one man could command tens of thousands of followers to dress in grass skirts and coconut bras and dance like Carmen Miranda all night? To make the celebration even more memorable Mr. and Mrs. S's family came down to join us. I felt truly honored that they would include me in this festival.

The crowd at the festival was most amazing! I have come to realize that the stories we heard in Gnomistan were grossly understated. The only event I have ever seen that ever came close to this festive atmosphere was the 1994 Gnomistani bicentennial. Now that was a party! In fact, as of the last time I called home it was still going strong!

Mrs. S organized a scavenger hunt to introduce myself and the rest of the family to our fellow Parrotheads. Here are some memorable images from our adventure.

The Lost Shakers of Salt

Thank God the Tiki Bar is Open

Volcano!

My new "friend"!

A picture of me and Mr. Jimmy!

License to Chill!

The official blender of Margaritaville!

These chaps are called "Parrotheads"!

Double blender action

Jimmy gets my vote!

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Dancing the day a way with my new friend Chickee

A coconut bra and grass skirt...but I think they look better on the ladies.

And most important, my fellow concert-goers