Mr. and Mrs. S invited me to come along with them on a journey to New Jersey to visit Mr. S's family for Easter. I was very excited as I not only love to see Mr. S's family but I also love long car rides. The longer, the better. They remind me of the car rides I used to take with my family on the country roads. We used to pile into the car, load up the back seat with snacks, and head off to the horizon. I would take it upon myself to entertain the family by singing the traditional travel song “1000 pouches of peeps.” I'm sure you have heard it before...if not here it goes: “1000 pouches of peeps on the wall, 1000 pouches of peeps. When no one's around, you gobble one down. 999 pouches of peeps on the wall.” I would sing and sing at the top of my voice, making sure that everyone could hear. I sang so well that one day, many hundreds of miles from my home, my parents suggested that I get out of the car at the rest stop and entertain the locals. I was thrilled to be able to share my gift with strangers. I climbed up on the highest rock and called the crowd closer. I then proceeded to belt out the most beautiful rendition you have ever heard. In fact, I saw several people weeping as I reached the three hour mark of the song. After it was over, I went back toward my family's car but was unable to find it. I assumed that this was yet another one of our marathon Hide-and-Go-Seek games that we sometimes play. These games have lasted for weeks in the past. Well, nine days later I found my family at home. Boy were they surprised when I found them. I heard they exclaim, through tearful sobs, “How does he keep finding us!”
I refrained from singing on this trip because I didn't want to wake up Serena. Mr. and Mrs. S seemed very happy with my decision.
This year I felt honored to witness a family tradition in Mr. S's family. Every year, at the Easter gathering, the family brings out their best Easter peeps and stage elaborate competitions. The first year they engaged the peeps against each other in a jousting tournament. Two years ago it was peep auto racing. Last year the peeps raced on rubber band powered airplanes. This year...we don't know yet. The competition is being kept a secret. Each year's competition is planned out by the “Peep Master” whom is selected at the previous Easter. The Peep Master is in charge of deciding the next year's competition which remains secret until competition time. Each year the competition becomes more and more elaborate.
I must admit, I am a little scared. I have no idea what to expect but one thing is for sure...Mr. S's family + excessive amounts of sugar = lots of fun!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
3-28-2010 I thought this was outlawed
Today I witnessed something that I had thought had been abolished decades ago. I am normally a very stoic gnome but this caused me break into a rage unseen since....since....I don't know when.
Let me provide you with some background. Many centuries ago, the gnomes in my homeland were enslaved by a ruthless warlord named Vlad the Sneaky. Vlad took control of Gnomistan not through an invasion but more through trickery. One day, Vlad arrived at the capital and told the capital security that there was a cat stuck in a tree. Knowing that all Gnomes had a weakness for felines in distress, all of the building security rushed to the cats aid. While distracted, Vlad sneaked into the capital, found the original Gnomistani constitution, and wrote “Vlad is the boss”. When the guards came back into the building, Vlad pointed to the constitution and declared himself the ruler. Without knowing enough about constitutional law to disprove it, the guards had to go along.
One of Vlad's passions was his love of bowling. Before his ascension to the throne, Vlad was a finalist on the hit TV show “Bowling with the Stars” and nearly went pro. Once in power he soon became bored with traditional Gnomistani bowling. To spice things up, he began forcing his gardeners to stand in for the pins and instead of using a normal bowling ball he now used a surplus wrecking ball. Because the ball was so heavy, Vlad changed the game again so that instead of a flat lane with gutters on each side it was now a sloped hillside with motes filled with piranha. The gardeners had no where to go. In front of them was a speeding wrecking ball and to each side was a mote filled with piranhas. The goal of the game became to crushing as many Gnomes as possible. Many, many Gnomes were killed to entertain the king. This barbaric sport continued for another 45 years until the then current king, Igor the Stubby (Vlad's son) was ousted in a coup set in motion by his order to suspend Saturday mail delivery.
I had always thought this horrible chapter of our history was behind us, but, alas, I was wrong. This past weekend Mr. and Mrs. S brought out a new “game” that had been given to them over the holidays. Always ready to show off my keen mind and catlike reflexes, I happily agreed to play. To my horror I witnessed Mr. S arrange six of my fellow countrymen in a triangle and Mrs. S hurl a large ball at them, knocking five of them about the room. I cried out for them to stop but it was too late. Mrs. S, with her second throw, toppled the last brave Gnome. I have never felt so saddened and enraged. Even my normally stoic friend Steely-Eyed had a tear in his eye. He said it was just a brain leak, but I know better. As soon as the balls stopped rolling, I sprinted to my fallen brothers to see if I could be of some assistance. To my surprise they were made of plastic! Imagine that, life sized Gnomes made out of plastic. I called Mr. and Mrs. S over and explained the historical significance of this game and why they must stop playing immediately. They agreed right away.
Let me provide you with some background. Many centuries ago, the gnomes in my homeland were enslaved by a ruthless warlord named Vlad the Sneaky. Vlad took control of Gnomistan not through an invasion but more through trickery. One day, Vlad arrived at the capital and told the capital security that there was a cat stuck in a tree. Knowing that all Gnomes had a weakness for felines in distress, all of the building security rushed to the cats aid. While distracted, Vlad sneaked into the capital, found the original Gnomistani constitution, and wrote “Vlad is the boss”. When the guards came back into the building, Vlad pointed to the constitution and declared himself the ruler. Without knowing enough about constitutional law to disprove it, the guards had to go along.
One of Vlad's passions was his love of bowling. Before his ascension to the throne, Vlad was a finalist on the hit TV show “Bowling with the Stars” and nearly went pro. Once in power he soon became bored with traditional Gnomistani bowling. To spice things up, he began forcing his gardeners to stand in for the pins and instead of using a normal bowling ball he now used a surplus wrecking ball. Because the ball was so heavy, Vlad changed the game again so that instead of a flat lane with gutters on each side it was now a sloped hillside with motes filled with piranha. The gardeners had no where to go. In front of them was a speeding wrecking ball and to each side was a mote filled with piranhas. The goal of the game became to crushing as many Gnomes as possible. Many, many Gnomes were killed to entertain the king. This barbaric sport continued for another 45 years until the then current king, Igor the Stubby (Vlad's son) was ousted in a coup set in motion by his order to suspend Saturday mail delivery.
I had always thought this horrible chapter of our history was behind us, but, alas, I was wrong. This past weekend Mr. and Mrs. S brought out a new “game” that had been given to them over the holidays. Always ready to show off my keen mind and catlike reflexes, I happily agreed to play. To my horror I witnessed Mr. S arrange six of my fellow countrymen in a triangle and Mrs. S hurl a large ball at them, knocking five of them about the room. I cried out for them to stop but it was too late. Mrs. S, with her second throw, toppled the last brave Gnome. I have never felt so saddened and enraged. Even my normally stoic friend Steely-Eyed had a tear in his eye. He said it was just a brain leak, but I know better. As soon as the balls stopped rolling, I sprinted to my fallen brothers to see if I could be of some assistance. To my surprise they were made of plastic! Imagine that, life sized Gnomes made out of plastic. I called Mr. and Mrs. S over and explained the historical significance of this game and why they must stop playing immediately. They agreed right away.
Mrs. S about to bring the pain
My brother Gnomes stand their ground
I survey the carnage. It wasn't pretty
Gnomes of the world unite!
My brother Gnomes stand their ground
I survey the carnage. It wasn't pretty
Gnomes of the world unite!Tuesday, March 30, 2010
3-25-2010 Mea culpa
My good readers, I am here with my head held low in shame. It seems that in the excitement of the moment I may have divulged more information than I should have. Several days ago I told a “story” about a “fictional” car ride across the Peak to Peak highway in Colorado. Several readers were concerned that Mr. S's sister Kim may have been speeding and gotten pulled over by the local law enforcement. Well readers, I forgot to include a very important disclaimer at the beginning of the story. Thanks to my many years of watching Law and Order, and one brief cameo in 1996, I should have known to include the following:
"Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event."
To sum up, I did not mean to imply that Kim was pulled over for speeding. The story was fictional....yeah, that's it....fictional.
"Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event."
To sum up, I did not mean to imply that Kim was pulled over for speeding. The story was fictional....yeah, that's it....fictional.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
3-22-2010 All good things must come to an end.
Well, my good readers, my four day adventure in Colorado is coming to an end. As I write this, I am somewhere over the heartland of America. Thanks to a bit of quick thinking, my rugged good looks, and a few well-timed compliments, I was able to talk myself into a first class upgrade for the flight home. Poor Mr. S, I almost feel bad for him sitting back in coach. I'm sure the free champagne and fresh baked cookies will get me over it.
3-22-2010 Running afoul of the law
Today is my last day in the beautiful state of Colorado. We had a planned a relatively low key day of sightseeing across the Peak to Peak Highway and then down to to the concert arena at Red Rocks.
Somewhere on the Peak to Peak Highway we ran into a little trouble. I was peacefully sleeping in Mr. S's backpack as I had a long night of partying with two lawn gnomes I met outside Kim's apartment. Word of caution, unless you are used to the lack of oxygen in Colorado, do NOT attempt to go shot for shot with the locals. It will only end badly. I woke up this morning, upside down, in an empty Jagermeister bottle. As I was saying, I was sleeping soundly when out of nowhere we saw flashing lights behind us and a police siren. Kim and Mr. S were calm but I froze like a statue in fear. Remember how I mentioned that I had a bench warrant out for me in Omaha (no, I will not get into any details)? Well, in my Jager-induced haze, I thought that the Federalies were after me! I quickly dropped down into the backpack and hid myself under Mr S's camera. I feared I was doomed! I could see out of a small hole in the bag as the Federalies approached the car. I couldn't hear what was being said but my keen lip reading skills helped me process the situation. This is what I could make out:
Federalies: “Are you transporting any fugitive gnomes in this vehicle ma'am?”
Kim: “No, officer, it is just the two of us humans.”
Federalies: “Are you sure? Harboring a fugitive Gnome is punishable by five years in prison and revocation of all privileges in the Gnomistani Jelly of the Month Club.”
Kim: “Is this fugitive Gnome dangerous?
Federalies: “ Yes ma'am, he is accused of **** Censored ***** in the city of Omaha.”
Kim: “ Oh my, I will be sure to call the police if I spot him.”
Federalies: “ Very good, Ma'am. Have a good day.”
This is how I remember the situation. Of course, it could have just been that Kim was speeding...I can't be sure. The lesson is...don't drink Jager at high altitudes unless you bring an oxygen tank with you.
Our big stop of the day was at Red Rocks amphitheater. This place was amazing! It was built into the side of a hill and has hosted some of the biggest musical acts from the Beatles to Ozzy Ozborne. I can't even begin to imagine how this place must sound when it is fully packed. I talked to one of the event organizers about the possibility of getting the Gnomistani National Ukulele Orchestra to play here but he said the schedule was full for years to come. I think they might still have reservations about allowing any Gnomistani group to play at the theater after the 1976 incident. To this day I still contend that the rock slide wasn't the fault of the 500 member Gnomistani yodeling team.
Anyway, here are a few photos from today's adventure.
Hello Cleveland!
Somewhere on the Peak to Peak Highway we ran into a little trouble. I was peacefully sleeping in Mr. S's backpack as I had a long night of partying with two lawn gnomes I met outside Kim's apartment. Word of caution, unless you are used to the lack of oxygen in Colorado, do NOT attempt to go shot for shot with the locals. It will only end badly. I woke up this morning, upside down, in an empty Jagermeister bottle. As I was saying, I was sleeping soundly when out of nowhere we saw flashing lights behind us and a police siren. Kim and Mr. S were calm but I froze like a statue in fear. Remember how I mentioned that I had a bench warrant out for me in Omaha (no, I will not get into any details)? Well, in my Jager-induced haze, I thought that the Federalies were after me! I quickly dropped down into the backpack and hid myself under Mr S's camera. I feared I was doomed! I could see out of a small hole in the bag as the Federalies approached the car. I couldn't hear what was being said but my keen lip reading skills helped me process the situation. This is what I could make out:
Federalies: “Are you transporting any fugitive gnomes in this vehicle ma'am?”
Kim: “No, officer, it is just the two of us humans.”
Federalies: “Are you sure? Harboring a fugitive Gnome is punishable by five years in prison and revocation of all privileges in the Gnomistani Jelly of the Month Club.”
Kim: “Is this fugitive Gnome dangerous?
Federalies: “ Yes ma'am, he is accused of **** Censored ***** in the city of Omaha.”
Kim: “ Oh my, I will be sure to call the police if I spot him.”
Federalies: “ Very good, Ma'am. Have a good day.”
This is how I remember the situation. Of course, it could have just been that Kim was speeding...I can't be sure. The lesson is...don't drink Jager at high altitudes unless you bring an oxygen tank with you.
Our big stop of the day was at Red Rocks amphitheater. This place was amazing! It was built into the side of a hill and has hosted some of the biggest musical acts from the Beatles to Ozzy Ozborne. I can't even begin to imagine how this place must sound when it is fully packed. I talked to one of the event organizers about the possibility of getting the Gnomistani National Ukulele Orchestra to play here but he said the schedule was full for years to come. I think they might still have reservations about allowing any Gnomistani group to play at the theater after the 1976 incident. To this day I still contend that the rock slide wasn't the fault of the 500 member Gnomistani yodeling team.
Anyway, here are a few photos from today's adventure.
Hello Cleveland!
3-21-2010 The gang goes to the zoo
After leaving the Garden of the Gods and grabbing a quick lunch, we decided to find another activity nearby. Kim suggested that we visit the Air Force Academy and Mr. S seemed interested as well. I, on the other hand, refused to go. Kim and Mr. S seemed confused so I was forced to explain my reluctance. Ever since an unfortunate childhood incident when I was caught in the middle of the University of Gnomistan's Bluejays Marching Band during the St. Gnomistrick's Day Parade, I have had a fear of large groups of men and women, dressed in blue, marching.
We decided to drive a few more miles south to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. I am a big fan of zoos. Many a day in my teen years back in Gnomistan, I would wander the local zoo observing the animals' behavior. I learned a lot about Gnomistan's native wildlife by simply observing these animals. For example, did you know that the jungle pig of the central rain forest can sprint at over 30 mph but for some strange quirk of evolution, cannot turn left? No matter where they are going they must get there in a series of right turns. (Fun fact: the CEO of the United Parcel Service observed the jungle pigs on a safari and revolutionized the shipping industry by copying their right-turn only philosophy.)
The zoo was a lot of fun. I was able to see lots of interesting animals, meet some nice people, and best of all, none of the animals tried to eat me! I can't stress how important that is to me. The three of us had such a great time that we closed the zoo. Mr. S and Kim were ready to leave but I wanted to stay. I put up such a fight that they had to call zoo security. I tried to hide behind stork but for some reason the guards were able to easily find me. I'm used to Gnomistani storks... they have much thicker legs.
Are you a Nittany Lion?
Gooood kitty. Stay. Staaaaay.
Now where did I put that picnic basket?
Kim makes a friend
We decided to drive a few more miles south to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. I am a big fan of zoos. Many a day in my teen years back in Gnomistan, I would wander the local zoo observing the animals' behavior. I learned a lot about Gnomistan's native wildlife by simply observing these animals. For example, did you know that the jungle pig of the central rain forest can sprint at over 30 mph but for some strange quirk of evolution, cannot turn left? No matter where they are going they must get there in a series of right turns. (Fun fact: the CEO of the United Parcel Service observed the jungle pigs on a safari and revolutionized the shipping industry by copying their right-turn only philosophy.)
The zoo was a lot of fun. I was able to see lots of interesting animals, meet some nice people, and best of all, none of the animals tried to eat me! I can't stress how important that is to me. The three of us had such a great time that we closed the zoo. Mr. S and Kim were ready to leave but I wanted to stay. I put up such a fight that they had to call zoo security. I tried to hide behind stork but for some reason the guards were able to easily find me. I'm used to Gnomistani storks... they have much thicker legs.
Are you a Nittany Lion?
Gooood kitty. Stay. Staaaaay.
Now where did I put that picnic basket?
Kim makes a friend3-21-2010 It's harvest time
After the fun we had yesterday up in the mountains, I was on pins and needles to find out today's adventure. Mr. S said we were heading south past Denver to the Garden of the Gods. This intrigued me as I had never heard of this place. Mr. S wouldn't tell me anything else, he said it would be a surprise. Naturally my mind began to concoct all kinds of different ideas of what this place might be. I dreamed of rows and rows of religious statues sticking out of the ground ready to be harvested. I could even envision in my mind one farmer saying to the other “This year's crop of Buddhas are coming in nicely. Looks like the Easter Island statues are ready to harvest.” I know, I have a vivid imagination.
The Garden of the Gods turned out to be a beautiful park filled with massive red outcroppings that seemed to come out of nowhere. They were hundreds of feet tall, some nearly vertical, and simply breathtaking. They reminded me of some of the mountains back in my homeland. The mountains in one particular region of southern Gnomistan seemed normal by day but at night they seemed to glow a ghostly blue. For hundreds of years they were thought to posses magical properties allowing visitors to have visions of their futures. They were so revered that they were made a Gnomistani national landmark. It wasn't until two years ago that the secret of the mountains was revealed. The blue glow and visions were not magical. They were actually caused by a large deposit of natural gas under the mountains that would leak out of the ground at night causing the hallucinations. At least some good came from the discovery: the mountains now power Gnomistan's third largest city.
Look at me, I'm almost as tall as this mountain.
Pikes Peak doesn't look THAT tall.
The rocks....there everywhere.
The Garden of the Gods turned out to be a beautiful park filled with massive red outcroppings that seemed to come out of nowhere. They were hundreds of feet tall, some nearly vertical, and simply breathtaking. They reminded me of some of the mountains back in my homeland. The mountains in one particular region of southern Gnomistan seemed normal by day but at night they seemed to glow a ghostly blue. For hundreds of years they were thought to posses magical properties allowing visitors to have visions of their futures. They were so revered that they were made a Gnomistani national landmark. It wasn't until two years ago that the secret of the mountains was revealed. The blue glow and visions were not magical. They were actually caused by a large deposit of natural gas under the mountains that would leak out of the ground at night causing the hallucinations. At least some good came from the discovery: the mountains now power Gnomistan's third largest city.
Look at me, I'm almost as tall as this mountain.
Pikes Peak doesn't look THAT tall.
The rocks....there everywhere.Saturday, March 20, 2010
3-20-2010 Let the fun begin!
We decided that Friday we would stay in and relay. Partly our decision was dictated by the snow that fell all morning and afternoon and partly by my inability to adapt to not having air to breathe. Kim said that it takes several days for a normal person to adapt to the altitude. My friends, I am not a person....and for that matter, not normal. I realized that the symptoms of hypoxia are very similar to a hangover. I figured it was worth a try to use the tried and true Gnomistani hangover remedy. This remedy has been handed down from my father and from his fathers father and from his fathers, fathers, father. He got it from someone named Chuck Finley. I must warn you, this is not for the faint of heart. Try it at your own risk.
1.Drink 36oz. of water within 7 minutes
2.Take 1000mg of vitamin C
3.Find the hottest jalapeno pepper you can find and place it up your right nostril. Breathe deeply.
4.While standing on your left foot, sing the title song from “The Pirates of Penzance “
5.Vomit until you see god
6.Lather, rinse, repeat.
After a few rounds of treatment and a good night sleep I was cured! I woke up Saturday bubbling with energy and I was ready to attack the day. The weather was beautiful and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Our journeys tool us to Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park. Enjoy my photos.
On the road again. I can't wait to get on the road again.
Me outside the entrance to Estes Park
9240 feet!!! No wonder my ears feel like they are going to explode! I only wish Gnomes had the ability to yawn to pop their ears.
It might be the hypoxia talking, but this place is beautiful.
Me and Mr. S. at Bear Lake
Ummm, Hello? There is a Gnome stuck in the snow over here.
Oh yeah, we walked around the entire lake.
Mr. S., what's an avalanche? It's what! Get me the hell out of here!
1.Drink 36oz. of water within 7 minutes
2.Take 1000mg of vitamin C
3.Find the hottest jalapeno pepper you can find and place it up your right nostril. Breathe deeply.
4.While standing on your left foot, sing the title song from “The Pirates of Penzance “
5.Vomit until you see god
6.Lather, rinse, repeat.
After a few rounds of treatment and a good night sleep I was cured! I woke up Saturday bubbling with energy and I was ready to attack the day. The weather was beautiful and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Our journeys tool us to Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park. Enjoy my photos.
On the road again. I can't wait to get on the road again.
Me outside the entrance to Estes Park
9240 feet!!! No wonder my ears feel like they are going to explode! I only wish Gnomes had the ability to yawn to pop their ears.
It might be the hypoxia talking, but this place is beautiful.
Me and Mr. S. at Bear Lake
Ummm, Hello? There is a Gnome stuck in the snow over here.
Oh yeah, we walked around the entire lake.
Mr. S., what's an avalanche? It's what! Get me the hell out of here!
Friday, March 19, 2010
3-19-2010 Ummm, I was told there was going to be air in Colorado.
My good readers, are you aware that there is a widespread air shortage in this country? I was completely ignorant about this problem. I watch all the major news channels, read the Washington Post, and on occasion, visit an Oracle but I never heard a single mention of this national crisis. When we arrived in Denver I was feeling a tired and a little light headed. I assumed that I was just a bit jet lagged. When I awoke this morning I had a splitting headache and no energy. I immediately thought I had contracted a case of Gnomistani yelping sickness but since I did not have a swollen tongue, bloodshot eyes, and I wasn't suddenly reciting Shakespeare in Esperanto I dismissed that diagnosis. Kim said that it was the altitude that was making me feel this way and it was normal. Now, my good friends, when I was a lad I spent several months as a mountain tour guide in the mountains around my village. I know about working at high altitudes. I would climb the mountains several times a week and some times stay up there for days at a time. With the exception of the time I got into a drinking contest with the Swiss National Curling team I have never felt this bad.
The only logical conclusion I can draw is that, for some unknown reason, the area around Denver has lost a significant amount of air. I propose that this nation dedicate a significant portion of the national budget to building a wall around Denver to prevent more air from leaking out. If we do not control this problem soon not only will this area be without air but the entire local kite industry will go bankrupt.
The only logical conclusion I can draw is that, for some unknown reason, the area around Denver has lost a significant amount of air. I propose that this nation dedicate a significant portion of the national budget to building a wall around Denver to prevent more air from leaking out. If we do not control this problem soon not only will this area be without air but the entire local kite industry will go bankrupt.
3-18-2010 Rocky mountain high
For those readers who are not aware, Mr. S's Sister, Kim, moved out to Colorado a few years ago. Ever since the move she has been asking Mr. S. to come out for a visit but between the kitchen remodeling, his work schedule, and the new baby it just never worked out. Much to Kim's surprise Mr. S. agreed to come out to visit this weekend.
So once again my readers you get to join me on another travel adventure. And once again I am forced to fly packed inside Mr. S's luggage. From what Mr. S. says it is some airline rule that any passengers under 12” tall must ride in a cramped suitcase, wrapped in a tshirt, and stuffed into the overhead compartment. I'm going to have to look this up when I get home.
So once again my readers you get to join me on another travel adventure. And once again I am forced to fly packed inside Mr. S's luggage. From what Mr. S. says it is some airline rule that any passengers under 12” tall must ride in a cramped suitcase, wrapped in a tshirt, and stuffed into the overhead compartment. I'm going to have to look this up when I get home.
3-17-2010 What a long strange trip its been.
Greetings my loyal fans! You must be loyal fans as I have not posted an update in months and you still visit my site. Many of you have asked “ Where is Nittany?”, “Is Nittany OK?”, “Was Nittany kidnapped by members of the Trollistan mafia and forced to work in the salt mines of northern Trollistan badlands until his debt to the feared mafia boss 'Guido the vague' was paid off?” To answer everyone's questions....I am here, I am fine, and the less you know about my dealings with Guido the better.
When you last heard from me I was announcing the birth of Mr. and Mrs. S's baby girl Serena. I am happy to report that Serena is doing wonderfully. She is now 9 months old and growing faster than a weed. Well an American weed, not the Gnomistani weed. Gnomistani weeds tend to grow faster than your American counterparts due to our fertile soil, clean air, and an unfortunate industrial accident that released a large quantity of steroids into the watershed causing the local plant life to grow at unthinkable rates. One plant species became sentient and has even won three seats on the Gnomistani parliament. Predictably they are anti herbicide.
So you may be wondering what I have been doing over the past nine months. Well for the first three months I was fulfilling my role as a professional child care specialist. It started off well enough, Serena was very much like a Gnome baby. She slept often, cried randomly, and did not all the words to Frank Sinatra's song “Mack the Knife”. Then the fun began. First, let me say that Serena is a wonderful child. I would not want to help raise any child but her. Now that I have said that I must confess that Serena did do one thing that I was not prepared for. When she became upset she emitted a sound at such a high intensity that some of my relatives back in Gnomistan have reported hearing it. And it's not just a single cry. She has been known to scream for no reason for hours on end, only to stop just as quickly and fall asleep. I wasn't able to sleep for over two weeks! It is well known that Gnomes need their beauty sleep. Wars have even been started because the Gnomistani Prime Minister didn't get enough sleep and was cranky. Thankfully the crying didn't last very long and as quickly as it started, it was gone.
I realized that Mr. and Mrs. had a good handle on parenting so with their blessing I took a vacation. I had planned on only being away for two weeks but my adventure lasted nearly five months. I promise to tell you all about my adventure in the future but right now I cannot. I am bound by a gag order, three cease and desist notices, and , for reasons I will NOT reveal, a bench warrant in Omaha.
When you last heard from me I was announcing the birth of Mr. and Mrs. S's baby girl Serena. I am happy to report that Serena is doing wonderfully. She is now 9 months old and growing faster than a weed. Well an American weed, not the Gnomistani weed. Gnomistani weeds tend to grow faster than your American counterparts due to our fertile soil, clean air, and an unfortunate industrial accident that released a large quantity of steroids into the watershed causing the local plant life to grow at unthinkable rates. One plant species became sentient and has even won three seats on the Gnomistani parliament. Predictably they are anti herbicide.
So you may be wondering what I have been doing over the past nine months. Well for the first three months I was fulfilling my role as a professional child care specialist. It started off well enough, Serena was very much like a Gnome baby. She slept often, cried randomly, and did not all the words to Frank Sinatra's song “Mack the Knife”. Then the fun began. First, let me say that Serena is a wonderful child. I would not want to help raise any child but her. Now that I have said that I must confess that Serena did do one thing that I was not prepared for. When she became upset she emitted a sound at such a high intensity that some of my relatives back in Gnomistan have reported hearing it. And it's not just a single cry. She has been known to scream for no reason for hours on end, only to stop just as quickly and fall asleep. I wasn't able to sleep for over two weeks! It is well known that Gnomes need their beauty sleep. Wars have even been started because the Gnomistani Prime Minister didn't get enough sleep and was cranky. Thankfully the crying didn't last very long and as quickly as it started, it was gone.
I realized that Mr. and Mrs. had a good handle on parenting so with their blessing I took a vacation. I had planned on only being away for two weeks but my adventure lasted nearly five months. I promise to tell you all about my adventure in the future but right now I cannot. I am bound by a gag order, three cease and desist notices, and , for reasons I will NOT reveal, a bench warrant in Omaha.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
6-16-09 You've come a long way, baby
It is hard to believe that three days ago at this time I was coaching Mrs S. through her delivery. Just thinking back to that moment brings a quiver of joy to my normally stoic face.
Serena is doing wonderfully thanks to the wonderful care given to her by Mr. and Mrs. S and the staff at the hospital. She is healthy, happy, and has one of the strongest set of lungs on her I have seen since the Gnomistani underwater bagpipe festival of 1997. It is truly amazing that someone so small can produce a noise so loud and piercing that it would shatter wine glasses a mile away. Serena also likes to look up and stare into your eyes when she is being held. Mr. and Mrs. S throught this was absolutely adorable. I, on the other hand, took it is as a challenge for a good old fashion Gnome-staring contest. Gnomes are known around the world as one of the world leaders in the art of the staring contest. The only ones better at staring contests in the world are the gargoils. They were so good infact that they were officially banned from international competion a few years back. Now Gnomes are very good at staring contests but I met my match with Serena. A mere 30 seconds into our contest and her big eyes melted my resolve and I crumbled. She has bested me this time, but, as a famous California governer once said, "I'll be back."
Enough about me. You have come here to read about Serena, not my staring shortfalls.
Serena met her other set of grandparents today for the first time. Mr. S's parents came down from New Jersey. They were so excited to meet her for the first time. I think we are going to have a hard time keeping Mr. S's mom from snatching up Serena and not wanting to give her back!
Here are some pictures from the past couple of days.
Serena is doing wonderfully thanks to the wonderful care given to her by Mr. and Mrs. S and the staff at the hospital. She is healthy, happy, and has one of the strongest set of lungs on her I have seen since the Gnomistani underwater bagpipe festival of 1997. It is truly amazing that someone so small can produce a noise so loud and piercing that it would shatter wine glasses a mile away. Serena also likes to look up and stare into your eyes when she is being held. Mr. and Mrs. S throught this was absolutely adorable. I, on the other hand, took it is as a challenge for a good old fashion Gnome-staring contest. Gnomes are known around the world as one of the world leaders in the art of the staring contest. The only ones better at staring contests in the world are the gargoils. They were so good infact that they were officially banned from international competion a few years back. Now Gnomes are very good at staring contests but I met my match with Serena. A mere 30 seconds into our contest and her big eyes melted my resolve and I crumbled. She has bested me this time, but, as a famous California governer once said, "I'll be back."
Enough about me. You have come here to read about Serena, not my staring shortfalls.
Serena met her other set of grandparents today for the first time. Mr. S's parents came down from New Jersey. They were so excited to meet her for the first time. I think we are going to have a hard time keeping Mr. S's mom from snatching up Serena and not wanting to give her back!
Here are some pictures from the past couple of days.
Isn't she cute when she sleeps...when she sleeps
A very happy mommy
A great daddy
And now the grandparents!
Pop pop
Nana
Grandma
Grandpa.....He's shy
A very happy mommy
A great daddyAnd now the grandparents!
Pop pop
Nana
Grandma
Grandpa.....He's shySunday, June 14, 2009
6-13-09 What a perfect baby
I would like to formally announce the birth of Mr. and Mrs. S beautiful baby girl, Serena Nicole, at 4:27 am on June 13th. I have had numerous people asking me to post some of the babies stats, like weight, length, etc. I dug out my copy of the official Gnomistani birth registry spreadsheet and filled out the values appropriately. These may differ slightly from what you are used to in America but I will make any additions/correction you would like.
Name: Serena Nicole
Gender: Female
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class : Mammalia
Order: Primates
Family: Hominidae
Genus: Homo
Species: Homo Sapiens
Time of birth: 4:27am, June 13th
Age: 0
Length: 0.0025883838383914995 Furlongs
Diameter: n/a (baby was not born cylindrical)
Weight (on Jupiter): 19 lbs 5oz
Energy: 3.04612734 x 1016 Joules (assuming 100% mass to energy conversion)
Witch evaluation: Negative. Baby did not weight the same as a duck and therefor was not made of wood
Top speed: n/a baby would not complete the required speed course
Occupation: Diaper tester
As more information becomes available I will pass it along.
Now for a few snapshots to pass along.
What a cute baby!
Even cuter !
The happy mother
and father.
Name: Serena Nicole
Gender: Female
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class : Mammalia
Order: Primates
Family: Hominidae
Genus: Homo
Species: Homo Sapiens
Time of birth: 4:27am, June 13th
Age: 0
Length: 0.0025883838383914995 Furlongs
Diameter: n/a (baby was not born cylindrical)
Weight (on Jupiter): 19 lbs 5oz
Energy: 3.04612734 x 1016 Joules (assuming 100% mass to energy conversion)
Witch evaluation: Negative. Baby did not weight the same as a duck and therefor was not made of wood
Top speed: n/a baby would not complete the required speed course
Occupation: Diaper tester
As more information becomes available I will pass it along.
Now for a few snapshots to pass along.
What a cute baby!
Even cuter !
The happy mother
and father.Friday, June 12, 2009
6-13-09 12:00am The future grandparents
One of my jobs in assisting the delivery is talking to the loved ones and answering any questions they have. Mrs. S's parents arrived a few hours ago from Pennsylvania. We had a lovely chat about everything from the weather to this strange sport you Americans play called hockey. Apparently the local team called "The Penns" were battling a group called "The Redwings". This savage yet graceful competition ended with a victory for the Penns. Mrs. S said " The burg is now the city of champs, n'at" I think Steely-Eye Gnomanski is starting to rub off on her.
Anyway, another update. Mrs. S is at 10 cm and all looks good. Probably won't go past 2am
Anyway, another update. Mrs. S is at 10 cm and all looks good. Probably won't go past 2am
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