3-19-2010 Ummm, I was told there was going to be air in Colorado.

My good readers, are you aware that there is a widespread air shortage in this country? I was completely ignorant about this problem. I watch all the major news channels, read the Washington Post, and on occasion, visit an Oracle but I never heard a single mention of this national crisis. When we arrived in Denver I was feeling a tired and a little light headed. I assumed that I was just a bit jet lagged. When I awoke this morning I had a splitting headache and no energy. I immediately thought I had contracted a case of Gnomistani yelping sickness but since I did not have a swollen tongue, bloodshot eyes, and I wasn't suddenly reciting Shakespeare in Esperanto I dismissed that diagnosis. Kim said that it was the altitude that was making me feel this way and it was normal. Now, my good friends, when I was a lad I spent several months as a mountain tour guide in the mountains around my village. I know about working at high altitudes. I would climb the mountains several times a week and some times stay up there for days at a time. With the exception of the time I got into a drinking contest with the Swiss National Curling team I have never felt this bad.

The only logical conclusion I can draw is that, for some unknown reason, the area around Denver has lost a significant amount of air. I propose that this nation dedicate a significant portion of the national budget to building a wall around Denver to prevent more air from leaking out. If we do not control this problem soon not only will this area be without air but the entire local kite industry will go bankrupt.

3-18-2010 Rocky mountain high

For those readers who are not aware, Mr. S's Sister, Kim, moved out to Colorado a few years ago. Ever since the move she has been asking Mr. S. to come out for a visit but between the kitchen remodeling, his work schedule, and the new baby it just never worked out. Much to Kim's surprise Mr. S. agreed to come out to visit this weekend.

So once again my readers you get to join me on another travel adventure. And once again I am forced to fly packed inside Mr. S's luggage. From what Mr. S. says it is some airline rule that any passengers under 12” tall must ride in a cramped suitcase, wrapped in a tshirt, and stuffed into the overhead compartment. I'm going to have to look this up when I get home.

3-17-2010 What a long strange trip its been.

Greetings my loyal fans! You must be loyal fans as I have not posted an update in months and you still visit my site. Many of you have asked “ Where is Nittany?”, “Is Nittany OK?”, “Was Nittany kidnapped by members of the Trollistan mafia and forced to work in the salt mines of northern Trollistan badlands until his debt to the feared mafia boss 'Guido the vague' was paid off?” To answer everyone's questions....I am here, I am fine, and the less you know about my dealings with Guido the better.

When you last heard from me I was announcing the birth of Mr. and Mrs. S's baby girl Serena. I am happy to report that Serena is doing wonderfully. She is now 9 months old and growing faster than a weed. Well an American weed, not the Gnomistani weed. Gnomistani weeds tend to grow faster than your American counterparts due to our fertile soil, clean air, and an unfortunate industrial accident that released a large quantity of steroids into the watershed causing the local plant life to grow at unthinkable rates. One plant species became sentient and has even won three seats on the Gnomistani parliament. Predictably they are anti herbicide.

So you may be wondering what I have been doing over the past nine months. Well for the first three months I was fulfilling my role as a professional child care specialist. It started off well enough, Serena was very much like a Gnome baby. She slept often, cried randomly, and did not all the words to Frank Sinatra's song “Mack the Knife”. Then the fun began. First, let me say that Serena is a wonderful child. I would not want to help raise any child but her. Now that I have said that I must confess that Serena did do one thing that I was not prepared for. When she became upset she emitted a sound at such a high intensity that some of my relatives back in Gnomistan have reported hearing it. And it's not just a single cry. She has been known to scream for no reason for hours on end, only to stop just as quickly and fall asleep. I wasn't able to sleep for over two weeks! It is well known that Gnomes need their beauty sleep. Wars have even been started because the Gnomistani Prime Minister didn't get enough sleep and was cranky. Thankfully the crying didn't last very long and as quickly as it started, it was gone.

I realized that Mr. and Mrs. had a good handle on parenting so with their blessing I took a vacation. I had planned on only being away for two weeks but my adventure lasted nearly five months. I promise to tell you all about my adventure in the future but right now I cannot. I am bound by a gag order, three cease and desist notices, and , for reasons I will NOT reveal, a bench warrant in Omaha.

6-16-09 You've come a long way, baby

It is hard to believe that three days ago at this time I was coaching Mrs S. through her delivery. Just thinking back to that moment brings a quiver of joy to my normally stoic face.

Serena is doing wonderfully thanks to the wonderful care given to her by Mr. and Mrs. S and the staff at the hospital. She is healthy, happy, and has one of the strongest set of lungs on her I have seen since the Gnomistani underwater bagpipe festival of 1997. It is truly amazing that someone so small can produce a noise so loud and piercing that it would shatter wine glasses a mile away. Serena also likes to look up and stare into your eyes when she is being held. Mr. and Mrs. S throught this was absolutely adorable. I, on the other hand, took it is as a challenge for a good old fashion Gnome-staring contest. Gnomes are known around the world as one of the world leaders in the art of the staring contest. The only ones better at staring contests in the world are the gargoils. They were so good infact that they were officially banned from international competion a few years back. Now Gnomes are very good at staring contests but I met my match with Serena. A mere 30 seconds into our contest and her big eyes melted my resolve and I crumbled. She has bested me this time, but, as a famous California governer once said, "I'll be back."

Enough about me. You have come here to read about Serena, not my staring shortfalls.

Serena met her other set of grandparents today for the first time. Mr. S's parents came down from New Jersey. They were so excited to meet her for the first time. I think we are going to have a hard time keeping Mr. S's mom from snatching up Serena and not wanting to give her back!

Here are some pictures from the past couple of days.

Isn't she cute when she sleeps...when she sleeps

A very happy mommy

A great daddy

And now the grandparents!
Pop pop

Nana

Grandma

Grandpa.....He's shy

6-13-09 What a perfect baby

I would like to formally announce the birth of Mr. and Mrs. S beautiful baby girl, Serena Nicole, at 4:27 am on June 13th. I have had numerous people asking me to post some of the babies stats, like weight, length, etc. I dug out my copy of the official Gnomistani birth registry spreadsheet and filled out the values appropriately. These may differ slightly from what you are used to in America but I will make any additions/correction you would like.

Name: Serena Nicole
Gender: Female
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class : Mammalia
Order: Primates
Family: Hominidae
Genus: Homo
Species: Homo Sapiens
Time of birth: 4:27am, June 13th
Age: 0
Length: 0.0025883838383914995 Furlongs
Diameter: n/a (baby was not born cylindrical)
Weight (on Jupiter): 19 lbs 5oz
Energy: 3.04612734 x 1016 Joules (assuming 100% mass to energy conversion)
Witch evaluation: Negative. Baby did not weight the same as a duck and therefor was not made of wood
Top speed: n/a baby would not complete the required speed course
Occupation: Diaper tester

As more information becomes available I will pass it along.

Now for a few snapshots to pass along.

What a cute baby!

Even cuter !

The happy mother

and father.

6-13-09 12:00am The future grandparents

One of my jobs in assisting the delivery is talking to the loved ones and answering any questions they have. Mrs. S's parents arrived a few hours ago from Pennsylvania. We had a lovely chat about everything from the weather to this strange sport you Americans play called hockey. Apparently the local team called "The Penns" were battling a group called "The Redwings". This savage yet graceful competition ended with a victory for the Penns. Mrs. S said " The burg is now the city of champs, n'at" I think Steely-Eye Gnomanski is starting to rub off on her.

Anyway, another update. Mrs. S is at 10 cm and all looks good. Probably won't go past 2am

10pm ... nothing new to report

8cm dilated and the contractions are 2-3 minutes apart.

6-12-09 7pm All is well

Under my expert guidance I helped with the epidural thus relieving Mrs. S's pain. I do think that your American medicine is amazing. Back in Gnomistan we just give the mother a shot of Gnomistani wiskeyand a leather strap to bite down on.

6-12-09 Well......It's Time!

6-12-09 Well......It's Time!
The day is upon us, Mrs. S is in labor. The three of us are at the hospital and everything is progressing normally.

I was able to find a nice pair of scrubs that fit.

Mrs. S is doing wonderfully...under my expert supervision.

5-20-09 Now that is one powerful flash!

Since I am now allowed to post information about the new upcoming bundle of joy, I have some catching up to do. As I mentioned in my last post, I am a trained professional baby care specialist. Part of my training was in helping to determine the health of an unborn baby gnome. Back in Gnomistan, our hospitals were not as technologically advanced as your American hospitals. We didn't have fancy ultrasound machines like you do. Instead we used a specialized machine called a “Peek-a-boo 3000xsi”. This machine may sound incredibly advanced, but it works on a very simple concept that has evolved over many years. First, the expectant mother stands in front of the doctor who would stare intently at her belly. Next, a group of between 20 to 30 gnomes, depending on the size of the mother, would stand behind the mother holding camera flashes. In unison, all of the assistants would fire their flashes shining the light straight through the mother. For a split second the doctor would be able to see the baby while still inside the mother. This test is very useful to the doctor but can be very traumatic to the baby. As a rule, gnomes are very shy about their bodies and are horrified of the thought of having their picture taken when they aren't looking their best. Having this test done, while medically necessary, can cause a life-long fear of camera flashes. To this day, gnomes will often run away screaming when they see a camera and is why they never...ever...go to raves.

Now back to the upcoming baby. Mrs. S gave me permission to post a few of her ultrasound scans of her new baby. You have to use your imagination to see the baby in some of the shots but they are pretty cool none the less. Enjoy!

November 2008


January 2009


April 2009

5-15-09 Where did Nittany go?

Many of my readers have wondered, “Where has Nittany gone?” First, I would like to quell some rumors that have been circulating on the Interweb.

1.I have not been abducted.
2.I was not deported back to Gnomistan.
3.I did not lose all my money betting on the Kentucky Derby and have to find work as a lawn ornament. (How degrading!).
4.I did not become trapped under the tile floor of the kitchen
5.My cousin Veto did not convince me to join him in his recent, ummmmm, let's call them “wealth redistribution activities. ”

No, the truth is much more exciting! I am going to become an Uncle! Well, more of an honorary Uncle. You see, Mrs. S is pregnant! I couldn't believe my ears! Back in Gnomistan, I was part of a large family. I have eight siblings, all girls, and I loved them all, except one (you know who you are). I love children. One of my many, many jobs was as a professional baby care specialist. I am certified in diaper changing, rattle rattling, and am fluent in four dialects of baby gibberish. I also am fully versed in the literary works of Dr. Seuss and I was on the short list to become one of the Teletubbies.

With the baby on the way, I focused all of my efforts on getting ready for the joyous event. It will be up to Mr. S to finish the kitchen. I have found him to be a very competent apprentice so I think he will do fine on his own. I have told Mr. S to get cracking and post a few updated pictures so hopefully he will.

3-2-2009 Snooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

Monday was going to be a normal day for me. I was going to get out of bed around 10 a.m., shower, and grab some breakfast while I read the Gnomistani Post-Tribune-Times-Chronicle-Gazetteer. I do this routine every day, like clockwork. This morning something was amiss. Mr. and Mrs. S had not left for work when I got out of bed. I checked the calender and it wasn't a weekend or a national holiday. With my mind still in its midmorning fog, I opened the blinds to let in some light. I fell back, blinded by the overwhelming intensity of the light. Had the earth moved closer to the sun overnight? Were the police in a helicopter outside my window waiting to arrest me for that overdue library book? Had I overdosed on allergy medication last night and awoken in heaven? I fought my way back to my feet and gazed through the window again. It was...snow! I had heard stories about snow in my childhood but had never seen it in person. I honestly thought it was a legend that parents used to scare children.

Now some of you may be saying “Liar! You saw snow in Alaska!” This is incorrect, I saw ice in Alaska. Gnomistan has ice, too, lots of ice. In fact the entire northern fifth of the country is covered in ice. But the ice doesn't come from snow, it comes from Greenland. Bear with me. Early Gnomistan had no ice in the Northern region. Around the 11th century AD, a band of Vikings from Greenland landed on the Northern coast. There they discovered a small village of Gnome farmers who welcomed them with open arms. The legend says that the Vikings were very kind people but they had a problem, their heads got cold in the arctic. The Gnomes of that village were excellent hat makers and agreed to trade with the Vikings. The village was having a rough summer that year. The heat scorched the ground, the lakes had nearly dried up, and the regions once thriving snow-cone industry was in shambles. The Vikings agreed to provide them with ice in exchange for warm headgear. So on that fateful day a deal was struck. The Vikings would deliver ice to the Gnomes and the Gnomes would provide them with fur-lined helmets with large stylish horns. All was well for the first 50 years but soon they had more ice than they needed. Every year the Vikings would deliver boat loads to the north country whether it was needed or not. Eventually it covered the entire landscape. To this day the people of Greenland load up their boats and deliver acres of ice every year, despite multiple official requests to stop.

Back to the snow. Mr. S and Mrs. S spent the day at home because it was too dangerous to venture out. Mr. S had one of the region's infamous snow days but Mrs. S had to work from home. Mr. S said that we had nearly seven inches but I didn't believe him. He encouraged me to go outside with him and see for myself as he shoveled the driveway and sidewalks but I was skeptical. Seven inches is A LOT of snow for a gnome. I finally mustered the courage to check out the snow on the deck, thinking this was safer. If I sank down to the bottom of the snow and couldn't climb my way back to the top, perhaps I could burrow over to the railing and squeeze through the spindles. Always have an exit plan, my friends.

The snow was incredible. So soft and fluffy and COLD. I could have stayed out in it all day but Mrs. S became concerned when I started turning blue. She insisted that I come in and partake in some hot cocoa. Between you and me, she's been acting out a bit odd lately...very protective, and something else that I can't quite put my finger on.

Ok, don't panic. What would MacGyver do?


At least I'm trapped on something that looks pretty.


My winter wonderland.

2-28-09 Painting party

After a painstakingly long search, Mr. and Mrs. S FINALLY settled on paint colors. For weeks they had brought home paint chips and compared them to the color of their future cabinets. One day while they were at work, I thought I would lend them a hand and help them pick out a color. I brought all the chips into the living room, set them on the floor, and stared...and stared...and stared. They all looked the same! I swear they had 20 paint chips with the exact same color but different names. I suddenly flashed back to sixth grade in my Gnomistan history class and it all made sense. You see my loyal readers, Gnomistan was not always the enlightened and stable country it is today. In fact, we were quite reactionary when it came to certain issues. 319 years ago Gnomistan went through what you might call “the dark ages.” The government felt threatened by the country's flourishing water color painting movement so they cracked down on their citizens. Now the details are kind of sketchy from that period but most historians believe that government closed down all the art studios, broke and banned every paint brush smaller than two inches wide, and most horrifically, banned bright colors. They came out with the “official” color pallet for the country that consisted of only 38 colors. It was even worse than your modern home owners association's! The color pallet wasn't even well thought-out. Seven of the 38 colors were outside the range of a Gnome's eye sight and 4 of them were versions of clear! Over time our eyes evolved to only be able to see those 38 shades. Scientists are working on the problem but the cure is thought to be years away. But since we can only see a small part of the color spectrum, we gnomes developed a keen sense of discerning the minute differences between what to others would appear as virtually the same color. I called upon this evolutionary advantage to pick the paint colors for the kitchen, laundry room and powder room. At least, that's what I told Mr. and Mrs. S when they returned from work. Don't tell them but I really just picked the colors with the prettiest names.

So with the colors picked, the paint purchased, and the rollers at the ready, we began the great painting adventure. Mr. S's mother and father came down to join the fun. I, myself, was not going to participate in the painting. I have had a life-long fear of paint brush bristles that stems from an unfortunate art class tickling incident. Now every time I see a paint brush, I break out into a cold sweat and hide under the nearest table. Hence, I was content on being the foregnome on this job as we had more than enough people to help. And what progress they made! They finished all of the priming and the painting of the ceilings.

Don't you look at me...Get back to work!


This roller is WAY to big for me

Nittany Gnome: Protector of the paint

2-27-09 Kitchen recap

I have been getting many requests from my loyal readers for a kitchen progress update. I apologize for not posting more often but Mr. S is a real slave driver. He has me working every night until 1am and every waking hour of the weekends. I feel like a zombie. A Gnome needs his beauty sleep!

Well here is what has happened...

The drywall is all up and finished. Hanging the drywall wasn't that hard. Measure, cut, balance on the point of my head, screw in place. Couldn't have been simpler. Finishing the drywall was another story. Mr. S introduced me to something called “Joint Compound”. This was something I have never seen before. It seems you add water to the dusty powder and mix until it is the consistency of the butter made from the milk of a Jar-Gin beast. Mr. S showed me how to spread it onto the walls nice and smooth to fill in the gaps between sheets. This was actually fun! In Gnomistan the local building code calls for the gaps to be filled in with something closely resembling the consistency of chicken noodle soup. This is a great improvement. After two nights we had all the holes filled and the joints sealed. I really enjoyed the work! I stood back and admired my work looking forward to my next project. As I put away our tools Mr. S looked confused. I had thought our job was done, Mr. S had different ideas. He informed me that we had just completed the first coat and there were 2 to 3 coats to go! This broke my little gnome heart. We worked and worked for what seemed like an eternity. And please don't get me started about the dust! I don't understand why after spending days and days putting the joint compound on the walls we started sanding it off. I questioned Mr. S about this but he gave me a very nasty look. He looked very scary covered head to toe in white dust that I dare not anger him. If all this work wasn't bad enough the dust was the most vile substance known to man and Gnome. It sucks all the moisture from you skin and makes you look 80 years older. Three weeks and roughly 80 pounds of joint compound later the job was finished. I didn't like the work as much any more.


For the next few days Mr. S and I cleaned the entire room top to bottom. Mr. S washed the ceiling, removing the last of the vile dust while I washed the walls and floor. You might notice that I am doing more cleaning than Mr. S. The short answer is that I upset Mr. and Mrs. S the other day and this is my punishment. The long story is...well...long. Let's just say it involved a belt sander, sugar free Jello, the fine men and women of the Air National Guard, and a BIG misunderstanding. I would tell you more but I'm under a national security gag order. Ask me again in 30 years.

So the walls are clean, all the holes are patched, and the surface is ready for paint. One more thing to cross off of our list!

Long, Lost Post

Cheerio, dear readers!

I realize that you're waiting with baited breath to learn more about the kitchen renovation and why Steely-Eyed hasn't commented on the Super Steelers. But before we get to those topics, you'll have to indulge me with this blast from the past. You see during our cruise to Bermuda last May, I did extensive research on this phenomenon known as "karaoke." When Mr. and Mrs. S invited me along to check out the karaoke acts one night, I was very surprised. In Gnomistan, karaoke is a form of punishment reserved for those convicted of tax evasion, jay walking, and people who call three-tined objects forks. I couldn't imagine voluntarily attending a karaoke session what with the choruses of wailing cats and extended Vogon poetry monologues. Much to my surprise, the American version of karaoke differs very little, only here it is a quasi-form of entertainment. If people are going to continue to seek out karaoke for "fun," some ground rules must be established.

Nittany Gnome's Rules for Selecting Karaoke Songs

1. Chics should pick with caution. Very few have the power and range of Janis Joplin.
   
2. Ballads are just a bad idea.
3. Audience participation is a must.
4. No 60's protest songs.
5. The karaoke singer must be a special kind of drunk...not too sloppy, but not too sober either.
6. When choosing a slow song, see Rule #2.
7. Don't overestimate the sway factor. It lasts 10 bars max. Your drunk audience has a short attention span. If the majority of the audience is sober, well you're just screwed.
8. Know your crowd, i.e. no war protest songs in the south.
9. Groups can be good. Duets can be bad, really bad.
10. Consider Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach. Don't laugh, I'm serious.
11. When at the mic, stick to songs. Leave the jokes to the professionals.
12. Irish pub songs rule.
13. See # 12.
14. Posses are good. They can make a mediocre performance a success.