Saturday, February 21, 2009

Long, Lost Post


Cheerio, dear readers!

I realize that you're waiting with baited breath to learn more about the kitchen renovation and why Steely-Eyed hasn't commented on the Super Steelers. But before we get to those topics, you'll have to indulge me with this blast from the past. You see during our cruise to Bermuda last May, I did extensive research on this phenomenon known as "karaoke." When Mr. and Mrs. S invited me along to check out the karaoke acts one night, I was very surprised. In Gnomistan, karaoke is a form of punishment reserved for those convicted of tax evasion, jay walking, and people who call three-tined objects forks. I couldn't imagine voluntarily attending a karaoke session what with the choruses of wailing cats and extended Vogon poetry monologues. Much to my surprise, the American version of karaoke differs very little, only here it is a quasi-form of entertainment. If people are going to continue to seek out karaoke for "fun," some ground rules must be established.

Nittany Gnome's Rules for Selecting Karaoke Songs
  1. Chics should pick with caution. Very few have the power and range of Janis Joplin.
  2. Ballads are just a bad idea.
  3. Audience participation is a must.
  4. No 60's protest songs.
  5. The karaoke singer must be a special kind of drunk...not too sloppy, but not too sober either.
  6. When choosing a slow song, see Rule #2.
  7. Don't overestimate the sway factor. It lasts 10 bars max. Your drunk audience has a short attention span. If the majority of the audience is sober, well you're just screwed.
  8. Know your crowd, i.e. no war protest songs in the south.
  9. Groups can be good. Duets can be bad, really bad.
  10. Consider Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach. Don't laugh, I'm serious.
  11. When at the mic, stick to songs. Leave the jokes to the professionals.
  12. Irish pub songs rule.
  13. See # 12.
  14. Posses are good. They can make a mediocre performance a success.