10-03-2008 De plane! De plane!

Sadly it is now time to leave the ship which has been our home for the past 13 days. I have truly grown to like the ship and everyone I met aboard. But now, it is time to bid farewell. As is the traditional Gnomistani custom, I performed a farewell dance which consists of nine hours of ritual chanting and dancing naked around a tower of empty liquor bottles and bar receipts. It dates back to the early 1700s when a group of the original Gnomistani colonists celebrated their arrival in the new world by getting very intoxicated and running out on their large bar tab. I do love traditions. Mr. and Mrs. S were NOT happy about the chanting as we all had to get up early to leave the ship and get to the airport. They were particularly disturbed by the naked portion of the ritual. For some unknown reason Mr. S kept screaming “My eyes! My eyes!” Some times I don't understand Americans.

At the airport, we had a four hour wait before our flight departed so I decided to explore LAX. This is a very busy place! I have seen people from all corners of the globe, including my native Gnomistan. We chatted for hours about the homeland, local Gnomistani politics, and of course, the national pastime, poodle bowling. Finally it was time to board our flight. I was not nearly as frightened as I was two weeks ago. Mr. and Mrs. S were asleep shortly after we took off but I stayed awake the entire time. I started chatting with one of the stewardesses and we sort of hit it off. She seemed to have a thing for ruggedly handsome, foot tall world travelers. Coincidentally, she was working the charter flight three months ago that transported the Gnomistani poodle bowling team to the semifinals. She said the team's rowdiness is still talked about within flight attendant circles. They are even still trying to get the poodle fur out of the bathroom sinks. Once we landed, I said my farewells to the flight attendant and headed off for home, ending an amazing odyssey.

Well, that is all for now. Thank you all for following my adventures. I am going to take a day or two off to help Mr. and Mrs. S with their laundry but I will get many more pictures posted soon. Until then, Cheery O!

10-01-2008 And who is this handsome devil?

Imagine my surprise while walking the streets of San Francisco when people started pointing and staring at me. I even had some paparazzi following me through the city. Now I know I am a well-known gnome in Gnomistan but I was hoping to remain anonymous in the States. Finally, I got so fed up with this behavior that I asked one of the gawkers point-blank why they were following me. She directed me to a bus parked near by. Thinking I was going to see one of my press photos from my role in the movie “Pirates of Gnomistan: Where Are We?”, I was shocked to find another gnomes' face on the side of the bus. Now I ask my readers, does this gnome look ANYTHING like me?

10-01-2008 I feel like Sean Connery

We arrived at our final port of call today, San Francisco. Neither Mr. and Mrs. S nor I had ever been to the city so we were all very excited. After disembarking the ship, we went off on a tour of Alcatraz. We wandered the prison grounds and followed a fantastic tour put on by the National Parks Department. Apparently during the entire tour, I had a little smirk on my face. Finally Mr. S asked me what was on my mind. Well, my readers, I have a secret: this was not the first time I was in an inescapable prison...and the last time, I wasn't there as a tourist.
Brace yourself, my readers, you're in for a wild ride. In my life I have had many jobs: travel companion, plumber, trained assassin, among others. One of my most interesting jobs was acting as a “secret inmate” to help test prison security. I was asked to spend a week in a new state-of-the-art prison located in Gnomistan's prison district to help find any security weaknesses. Unfortunately, due to a snafu in the computer system of the the Department of Prison Testing and Animal Husbandry, my status as a “secret inmate” was lost. My only chance was to escape on my own. For months, I monitored the guards' patrol routine, tested for blind spots in the security cameras' visibility, and collected the tools for my escape (spoons from the mess hall, dental floss and a five-horse power Briggs and Stratton engine). Finally, the day came. While all of the guards were playing their morning game of dodge-ball, I executed my plan. First, I slipped through the bars of my cell (security flaw 1: the bars were spaced so far apart that the prisoners were basically on the honor system). I then crawled through an air duct to the prison library (security flaw 2: Never post the prison blueprints on the cell walls to save on wallpaper costs). Finally, using a lock pick set I ordered by mail (security flaw 3: This one is obvious), I unlocked the front door, sprinted to my rental car, which I owed a LOT of money on, and drove to freedom. The story was hushed up in the press because the warden was a drinking chum of the Prime Minister and he didn't want it to get out that the security was so lax. At least I got an amazing story out of my adventure. Here are a few pictures of my trip to “The Rock.”

9-30-2008 So this is how Michael Phelps feels

Tonight Mr. and Mrs. S and their table mates participated in a ship-wide battle of wits called simply enough “The Quest.” I was asked to join in as gnomes are well- known not only for their razor-sharp mind but also for our phenomenal upper body strength. In fact, if it wasn't for the 1932 pixie stick doping scandal, which resulted in a lifetime ban, gnomes would still be the world champions at the clean and jerk. The events were grueling—-synchronized skipping, interpretive teapot dancing, high-speed trouser exchange--and many teams did not survive to the end. When the smoke cleared, our scrappy band of caterwaulers stood victorious. I have never known such a sense of accomplishment! Here I am, accepting my gold medal from the cruise director.

9-28-08 Lazy day at sea

Today we were cruising the Inside Passage so we had a relaxing day at sea. After my little indiscretion yesterday, I could use a little down time. I spent most of the day sitting out on the balcony reading a book on the history of the kaleidescope and its use in the Spanish Inquisition. The scenery was beautiful and the sun was shining all day. I even got to try out my new sunglasses! I hope you enjoy some pictures of the scenery.

9-27-08 My little indiscretion

I am very embarrassed. I have done something that I swore I would never do as a travel companion. I was feeling a little lonely the other day in Ketchikan and I found myself in the old red light district. I'm not proud of what I'm about to say but I must come clean...I paid to get some. That's right, I had a moment of weakness and I paid to have pictures of myself taken. I have never felt so low. I couldn't even stand to look at myself.



I stumbled into the closest bar (that also had on ESPN so I could watch college football) and had myself a beer. By the time I got back to the ship, I was more inebriated than I was during the 1982 National Pot Roast Bake-off.


Mr. and Mrs. S found me passed out on their bed with my face planted in their plate of complimentary sweets. It will take me a long time to live this one down.

9-27-08 And the number one threat to America: Bears

My dear readers, I have a question. Why do Americans fear bears? Before coming to Alaska, I did some research into the local wildlife. Many of the stories I read cautioned about the bears and not to approach them. I found this shocking! In Gnomistan, bears are very friendly and helpful creatures. Many of my fellow countrymen even had bears as pets! The bears were very loyal companions and even helped protect their homesteads. You would be surprised how many gnomes have been saved from marauding gangs of hoodlum trolls looking to start a fight. They still can't get over the Gnomistani victory over Trollbekistan in the 1967 World Cup of Juggling. Anyhow, to prove that bears are not to be feared, here are a few pictures I've taken over the past week with my furry friends.