1-3-09 It's drywall time!

After many months of hard work it's time to REALLY start putting the kitchen back together. First up, drywall the ceiling. I enjoy this quite a bit. There is something fulfilling about putting up drywall. It really makes you feel like you are making progress. To speed things along, Mr. S rented a drywall lift to hoist and hold the sheets to the ceiling so we could screw them in. This makes the job go much faster than if you were trying to do it by hand. Mr. S joked that if we didn't rent the lift, we could just balance the sheet on our heads and screw it in. This might be an option for Mr. S as he is over six feet tall but as you may have noticed, I am on the short side. It would take dozens of gnomes standing on each others' shoulders to reach that high. As a point of fact, gnomes do not stack well. Once we get more than two gnomes high, we become very unstable. This is actually why Gnomistan is very underrepresented in international cheerleading competitions. We just can't form the required pyramids.

The work went very smoothly. Mr. S would measure the piece and I would cut it and load it onto the lift. Mr. S would raise the piece into place while I stood on a ladder and checked the alignment. By the time we finished the final piece, we were a well-oiled machine. I was so excited by our performance that I grabbed the nearest hammer and started ripping out the drywall of the family room! I wanted to do more! Mr. S had to tackle me and wrestle the hammer out of my hands. He wasn't too thrilled at doing more work than needed.

Me and the drywall lift


Our fearless leader

Ok, keep going...keep going...keep, no wait, ABORT! ABORT!


Some pictures of the progress

12-28-08 Christmas isn't always so jolly

Now that Christmas is over, I feel I have to let the world know a sad secret about the holiday. Everyone thinks about Christmas as a joyous holiday where Santa brings everyone in the world just what they wanted. All of the glory goes to Santa Claus and his reindeer. No one ever gives a thought about where those toys come from--the elves. The airwaves are filled with pro-Santa propaganda during the holiday season but no one ever considers the plight of the poor elves. In fact, they have been exploited for their labor for centuries.

I had the occasion to talk to a few of the elves right after the holiday and they were more than willing to give me all the gory details. Even though the elves belong to a union (Toy Makers and Steamfitter Local 103), the fat man continues to overwork his workers to the point of cruelty. The elves have to work 364 days of the year only getting September 19th off for International Talk Like a Pirate day. These poor creatures work for 18 hours a day, every day. Santa also does not believe in automation. A large portion of their work could easily be automated but Santa considers this “laziness.” If it wasn't for the six union coffee breaks a day, the elves would never survive. And, let's not even talk about the poor working conditions. Every elf knowns about the tragic LightBright accident of 1983 that took the lives of 1477 in a matter of seconds.

So please remember, next year when you are asking Santa for your favorite toys, think of the Elves working behind the scenes slaving away to ensure your happiness. For more information about this issue, please listen to this song from the Barenaked Ladies. They sum it up better in one song than I could ever hope to. Elves Lament

12-25-08 If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere

First, let me say “Merry Christmas.” For a gnome, there is no more special holiday than Christmas. Well, maybe Boxing Day...but Christmas is a close second. Hmm, I forgot Arbor Day. OK, Christmas is definitely in the top five.

For Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. S took Mr. S's mother and father into New York City for the day. Mr. S's mother had been wanting to see lights and the decorations for years, so we all went on a field trip. As a special treat, they arranged to see a performance of the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. After a few hours of begging, they agreed to take me with them. This was my first time in New York City and let me say it did not disappoint! I'm not used to cities with 7 million humans. The largest city in Gnomistan has a population of 3 million. And remember, we're gnomes. We don't take up that much space. In the space of a typical NYC studio apartment, we would would have housing for 1500 gnomes! After arriving in the city, we began taking in the sights. Everything in the city is big. The buildings...the subway...the pretzels. Even the Christmas ornaments were huge!


While I stood there in awe of the size of the city, Santa walked up to me and asked me for a picture. It seems that I am somewhat famous in the Santa community for my ability to control reindeer with only a glance. For some reason they are intimidated by me. Go figure.



After Santa and I parted ways, we made our way to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. The tree was breathtaking but I must admit it did look out of place. I can understand that during the Christmas season it looks beautiful when it is decorated, but what about the other eleven months? Do they decorate it with eggs for Easter? Do they hang pumpkins on it for Halloween? I guess it's already appropriately decorated for Arbor Day.


Not all was fun on this trip. A short distance from the tree, we witnessed a sad side of humanity. As thousands of onlookers gazed upon them, roughly one hundred poor souls ice skated endlessly in a circle. I can only image the crimes they must have committed to be forced into this ice spiral from hell. When I asked one of the onlookers what these people had done to deserve such a harsh punishment, she just stared at me with a vacant look in her eyes. She must have been as appalled as I was.


Finally, we made it to the show and my, oh my, was it spectacular! There was singing, dancing, comedy...you couldn't ask for more. And the dancers! Hubba Hubba! It was a treat for all the senses.

12-24-08 Random Christmas pictures

and I want a puppy, a gnome-sized laptop, bottle of Gnomistani spiced rum.

Didn't I meet some of your smaller cousins last year?

Pop quiz: one of these three things is not like the other

Ok, Santa. Either you get me my puppy or I'm not moving. Just try me.

12-24-08 No, I would NOT like to buy insurance

I saw the Aflac spokesduck on TV for the first time the other day. I thought it was a very funny and creative commercial. I would even consider buying supplemental insurance from them if I wasn't already covered by the Gnomistani universal health care plan. I was under the impression that you had to call them to buy one of their policies. Imagine my surprise when I was admiring Mr. S's family Christmas tree when I was ambushed by none other than the spokesduck! Talk about high pressure sales tactics! He wouldn't let me leave until he finished his FOUR HOUR sales pitch! On Christmas eve! I politely told him no, for the eighty-third time, and he finally got the message. I shook his wing and off he went.

12-24-08 So this is where cows come from!

Cows are amazing animals. They're cute, gentle, tasty creatures. I have admired these graceful beasts ever since I was a young gnome roaming the countryside looking for adventure. I wandered a long time as there was very little excitement in the area. About the best we could hope for was watching the occasional prairie dog gang fight.

I have always wondered where cows came from. I have never seen a pregnant cow, or at least I don't think I have. Are cows born like other animals? Do they grow out of the ground like corn? Are they delivered from the sky like the mammoth ground slug of the badlands? No, my good readers. The answer is much simpler and thanks to Mr. S's mother I now have the answer. Cows are hatched from eggs. I bet you're glad you know this now.